The Soapbox : Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Vlad recently likened this place to a bar. I think of it more as some pioneer settlement somewhere, where law has not yet been established, and so almost anything goes, and only the strong survive.

Oftentimes, I feel like Clint Eastwood, with my spurs making an ominous jingling sound as I move through the various threads. Now and then rogues like Kirk "The Emo" Mechanic peek around the corner of the general discussion store and I have to send a little warning shot their way.

Occasionally outcasts like ITTY or Fugazi stand off against me at the far end of the site, yapping an insult or two while chewing on a cheap cigar, their hands, twitching, ready to draw. At the windows above the saloon, the burlesque dancers bash the glass and scream at me to look up and wave.

Now and then a big shot cattle rancher villain like Bentley will try and occupy and steal the town, and we end up in a tear up at the OK TWD. The violence terrifies and enthralls the locals, until the dust is so heavily disturbed, and the threads become so narrow, people can no longer see what's going on. Everyone claims victory, but nothing is resolved, and within days, we all dance the dance again.

In the saloon itself you'll always find Doc Hungry Holiday, growling at the barkeep, or necking some young wrench. Occasionally he smashes a glass on the bar and hurls it in somebody's face. Most people just let him get on with things though, because now and then, when he manages to stay sober, he helps to take out the trash.

As I sit alone in my little rented room above the blacksmiths, I get to thinking about Nimda. Is he the mayor? The governor? Or is he some sort of god? He's omnipotent, omnipresent, and with access to all of our data and PMs, he's omniscient. Plus, his origins are pretty mystical.

It's a strange town, but I feel a sense of belonging here, and obliged to help keep it clean.

Who else sees it like this? Who do you see in which role? What is the purpose of Shooter? Is there another town nearby that will take Lara off our hands?

Please discuss.

R. I. P. FFS (1975-2021)
Murdered by a Teutonic catfish

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Since I wasn't mentioned and I am Filmboards most successful troll and the only quasi celeb that posts here.

I will have to build a railroad right through the heart of this stinking town. Nimda be damned!

The only poster who had his account banned 4 times without ever breaking any rules each of those times.

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

My apologies, Steve.

You own the saloon and consider yourself to be in semi-retirement.

You arrived in the town as a ferocious gunslinger and philanderer, throwing the place into dissaray. Cowing citizens pleaded with you for mercy and eventually you accepted the mayorship they begged you to take in the hope it would make them shut their filthy baboon mouths.

As the years passed, you felt so much contempt for the inhabitants that you resigned your position and took to mocking everyone through a critically acclaimed stand up comedy act at the saloon. The money rolled in and eventually you bought the place.

Please don't build the railroad. Thanks.

R. I. P. FFS (1975-2021)
Murdered by a Teutonic catfish

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West



I wasn't mentioned either, and now he'll probably say I'm the Madam or some shit rather than what I'd actually be, which is the gunslinger who ends his sad life.

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West



Durrrrrrrrr

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Good morning, bud!

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Good morning 🙂

Durrrrrrrrr

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

I know you didn't ask, but I'd hate to leave you out.

You work for tips at the saloon, spending most of the time in the restroom helping drunken patrons navigate the facilities. Almost every time, you find yourself staring at a far more impressive manhood than your own and this results in you rushing back out into the bar area screaming and wailing, calling everybody names.

Whenever a new woman enters the town you rush over to her and throw your jacket across the nearest puddle. This act alone is considered a marriage proposal and once she's walked across the garment you consider yourselves wed.

It's rumored that after hours you sneak into the bedrooms of the burlesque beauties and masturbate into you own hand, eating the ejaculate to hide the evidence of your devious transgression.

R. I. P. FFS (1975-2021)
Murdered by a Teutonic catfish

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Oh my god, how could I forget the town's first independent business woman? My sincerest apologies.

You own a ranch on the outskirts of town and regularly swoop into Filmboards City to scoop up supplies. Proud of your independence, but disillusioned with the patriarchy that has assumed control of the city, you often hold feminist sermons in the townsquare to stir up resentment amongst the women folk. It's rumored you started the #metoo style campaign whereby all the flirts and abusers had their doors marked with pig's blood.

Every now and then, when the mood takes you, you pay a visit to the saloon, drown yourself in whiskey, and pick fights with all the men. Once you've finished whipping their asses, you make your way upstairs and have the pick of the hugely grateful "dancing" girls.

It's rumored many men enjoy losing because the erotic aftermath is the highlight of their evening.

Please can you give Mechanic a job at the ranch.

R. I. P. FFS (1975-2021)
Murdered by a Teutonic catfish

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Im the retarded farm hand with a huge dick.

Durrrrrrrrr

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

It only seems big because it's always erect.

Let's hope she gives you a job.

R. I. P. FFS (1975-2021)
Murdered by a Teutonic catfish

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Very well done. This is way better than I expected.

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Whatever. Can you offer the guy a job? For sanitary reasons. People have taken to pissing in the street rather than trigger him.

R. I. P. FFS (1975-2021)
Murdered by a Teutonic catfish

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Of course. Send him my way. I can pay him in validation.

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

He'll be along once Steve Lake is satisfied he's cleaned up all the jizz from the upstairs bedrooms.

R. I. P. FFS (1975-2021)
Murdered by a Teutonic catfish

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

I will have to build a railroad right through the heart of this stinking town.



I'll help accelerate the town's demise by donating blankets infected with Smallpox. That is, unless the OP realizes and rectifies his hurtful omission immediately.

🦸‍♀️ Up, up, and away! 🦸‍♀️

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Ah, the Southern belle has arrived.

You own a glamorous boutique and an adjoining beauty parlour. You consider yourself an outsider, but you've lived in Filmboards City for 12 years.

Your family own a plantation back east but years ago you decided you wanted to make your own way in the world. Determined to prove the naysayers wrong, you arrived with nothing but the clothes on your back, 18 suitcases, a huge treasure chest of gold, and Lupe, your trusted, personal valet.

On Sundays you hold a bible school class but your favorite past time is playing high stakes poker at Steve Lake's saloon. Known behind your back as Totally Shit at Poker, or TSP, the town is only financially viable because you don't know when to leave the table.

R. I. P. FFS (1975-2021)
Murdered by a Teutonic catfish

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Aw, love it!

Thanks for not making me the old school marm who lives in a small room above the schoolhouse on the outskirts of town. Or the mentally ill drunk lady who is perpetually disheveled and half dressed while ranting in the town square.

18 suitcases…

…and Lupe, your trusted, personal valet.



Consider the smallpox blankets burned and destroyed.

🦸‍♀️ Up, up, and away! 🦸‍♀️

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Now I will have to have my lackeys raid the Army fort to get a fresh supply of smallpox blankets. I knew you didn't have the stomach for it.

A little flattery and you fold . Just like you do every night at the card table. Good day Madam.

The only poster who had his account banned 4 times without ever breaking any rules each of those times.

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Too late! I've already dispatched Lupe to alert the base to your arrival and plan!

So behave yourself and quietly run your saloon, Mr. Lake.

🦸‍♀️ Up, up, and away! 🦸‍♀️

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Or the mentally ill drunk lady who is perpetually disheveled and half dressed while ranting in the town square.

I believe you are thinking of Donna.

Fasten Your Seatbelts….
It's Going To Be A Bumpy Night!

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West



😺 Schrodinger's Cat walks into a bar, and doesn't. 🐱

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This message has been deleted.

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

😂

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Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Kirk! Go to your corner.

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Sorry, did I piss on your hand?

*Tosses him an additional dime tip*

R. I. P. FFS (1975-2021)
Murdered by a Teutonic catfish

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

What about the Brits?

I'm obviously not talking about you because, you know, you're an American.

Are we all in Victorian London in a Gin joint run by Orson? I could be the "toothless old crone"* who plays the Joanna for Gin money


*™ Kirk

“I didn't know you could read”

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

You'd be the old bar maid who still has it going on like Kitty from Gunsmoke. 😜



Administrator
"filmboards is a bold experiment in free speech and anarchy"
I GameBoy

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

ouuu i’ll be the young Native squaw who fucks a white woman and gets hanged

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Everyone claims victory, but nothing is resolved, and within days, we all dance the dance again.

spot on

I'd like to be the snake oil salesman that rolls through town from time to time, peddling my fake elixirs and telling stories of my adventures in exchange for whiskey and women

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Good morning, Mrs B.

By day, Mrs. Bee is the city's only school teacher, responsible for a class of over 30 children, more than half of which are her own. The illiteracy levels in the old west aren't likely to be improved anytime soon, but she keeps the kids amused with silly jokes and imitations of the titles of the books that sit unread on the shelves.

By night, Mrs. Bee becomes Burlesque Bee, working over at the saloon under the watchful eye of Steve Lake and most other men in the town. It's rumored that she finds the gig pretty sordid, but she continues to dance her dignity away because it means she gets to enjoy the benefits of a drunken Klam rampage.

R. I. P. FFS (1975-2021)
Murdered by a Teutonic catfish

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West




I mean, I'd do a lot to be around Klam. This is pretty spot on

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Farm hand Kirk looks in the window to see some pretty intense action going on between Bee and Klam.

Durrrrrrrrr

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Whilst masturbating outside the window Farm Hand Kirk blows a wad into his hand and in his excitement, steps on a pitchfork sending the opposite end directly into his head. A concussed Farm Hand Kirk is found later with his hands glued together

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Lol

Durrrrrrrrr

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West






😺 Schrodinger's Cat walks into a bar, and doesn't. 🐱

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

*spits some chew*

Uh huh. Salient post.

Please discuss.

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

i can still tend the rabbits george?

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Very imaginative!

I can almost smell the fresh horse poop in the streets and see the old-timey jizz dripping down from the chandeliers of the prositutial suites.

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Huv ye tried shutting yer window hen?

Previously Gary.

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

I don't have a window hen, but I'm pretty sure I've heard a rooster somewhere in my neighborhood. I guess it could be in a window.

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Leave me alone Crystal a huv no time fer yet shite the noo you hear me hen

Previously Gary.

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

Shh, here comes the librarian.

By day you're a librarian but by night you're a female vigilante who beats up disrespectful men. You have a number of bad habits, such as peeing standing up and, on account of an oral fixation, you chew tobacco.

If you're feeling merciful, you get the men in headlocks and noogie them, but if they catch you in a real bad mood, you rip off your top, yell out a blood curdling battle cry, and fight them, barechested and bareknuckled. If they're particularly troublesome, and have proven thus far to be unresponsive to a sound beating, you take them hostage and cage them up in the basement below the library. There, you gear up and become CrystalWhiplash, where you peg them until they scream, forcing them to lick your thigh high boots and call you momma. Only once they're a slobbering mess do you release them, broken and sexually conquered, back into the community.

Can we have Horatio back please?

R. I. P. FFS (1975-2021)
Murdered by a Teutonic catfish

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

I love it! Some of that is actually true.

Sorry, Horatio doesn't want to be released yet.

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

That's precisely why you should hand him back. He's supposed to be getting punished.

R. I. P. FFS (1975-2021)
Murdered by a Teutonic catfish

Re: Filmboards City - Life in the Old West

It was punishment at first, but he grew to like it. I'll consider releasing him to your custody.
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