Religion, Faith, and Spirituality : I am sick of posting religious arguments

I am sick of posting religious arguments

pro and con...let's post religious jokes and go out with a few giggles!


The more outrageous the better as long as they are funny.


I'll start:

A fundy bible bashing preacher wanted to impress his congregation. He arranged for an altar/choir boy to get above the pulpit in the loft, instructing him to light a piece of paper and et it flutter down when he reached the climax of his sermon.

When I shout..."Send fire down from Heaven" light the paper and let it flutter down.

The great day came and the thunderous sermon was given. The preacher shouted "Send fire down from Heaven"!... butt nothing happened. He shouted again "Send fire down from Heaven"... Still nothing happened. He shouted again and again and again....

Finally the clear bell-like voice of the altar boy could be heard.

"I can't...the cat's pissed on the matches"!





A post without an OMG is a post incomplete.

Re: I am sick of posting religious arguments

Q: What did the Muslim train conductor say?

A: Allah board


Here is the story of an Imam who got up after Friday prayers and announced to the people:"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

Re: I am sick of posting religious arguments

Every morning the monks filed silently into the great hall. The abbot stood at the front of the hall, watching over them. When the monks were all present, the abbot chanted, 'Good morning, and the monks reverently relied in unison, "Good morning, and the prayers then commenced. This went on day after day, year in, year out.

A rather spirited young monk, small in stature butt with a mischievous glint in his eye, decided that a change was necessary. One morning, when everything appeared t be following in its time honoured patter, the abbot chanted 'Good morning', and the reply good morning was given by all the monks except the mischievous one who said 'Good evening'.

The abbot immediately responded tunefully, showing an unexpected familiarity with South Pacific...


'Someone chanted evening'!

A post without an OMG is a post incomplete.

Re: I am sick of posting religious arguments

Can't we tell gay jokes instead?

Two queers were traveling along in their little compact car when they stopped at a red light, and a big redneck truck following them hits their back bumper.

The driver says to the passenger, "Can you believe that? You get out of the car and go tell him that we're going to SUE SUE SUE!"

The passenger gets out of the car and prances over to the driver of the truck and says, "My friend wants me to tell you that we're going to SUE SUE SUE!"

The driver of the truck says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you and your friend can suck my dick."

The gay boy spins around, walks back to the car, and gets in. The driver asks him, "What happened?"

And with a smile he said, "We're going to settle out of court."







"I hear no voice. The dead cannot speak."

Re: I am sick of posting religious arguments

One day, a hippie got onto a bus, and saw a beautiful young nun sitting down, so he sat down right beside her, & told her she was so beautiful, he wanted to have sex with her. The young nun was shocked by this, & said "NO!!! God is my Husband, & I will never cheat on Him!!!" & with that, she immediately got off at the next stop.

The bus driver heard all of this, & he said to the hippie, "I know how you can get her to have sex with you. She goes to the local cemetery every night, at around 12:00AM, to pray. So if you cover yourself with glitter & go to the cemetery, you can tell her that you are God, her Husband, & want to have sex, she will do it."

The hippie takes the bus driver up on his suggestion, & pours glitter all over himself & makes his way to the local cemetery. Sure enough, the young nun comes at around 12:00 for her prayers. The hippie jumped out of a corner & said "I'm God. you are my wife. Have sex with me." "Alright, but, I do not want to break my vows of chastity, so please let it be anal sex." The hippie agrees.

So the 2 of them have anal sex. When they were finished, the hippie said to the nun, "Haha! I'm the hippie from the bus today!!!!"

"Haha! I'm the bus driver!!!"







I am Judge! Jury! and Executioner!

Re: I am sick of posting religious arguments

That was hilarious!






"I hear no voice. The dead cannot speak."

Re: I am sick of posting religious arguments


That was hilarious!


Yeah, even I have to go to Confession from time to time.





I am Judge! Jury! and Executioner!

Re: I am sick of posting religious arguments

"So, a priest was driving a bus with a nun and hippie on board..."


https://youtu.be/EXVIjFODaqQ?t=2

Re: I am sick of posting religious arguments

A news reporter goes to see a Jewish man who has been going to the western wall in Israel to pray once a day for 70 years, the reporter goes up to him and says, “hello I’m a reporter for the BBC and we know you’re quite famous around this wall so we were wondering if we could ask you a few questions.” The man agrees and she asks, “so we were wondering; what have you actually been praying for all of these years?”

The man replies, “I have been praying for peace between the Jews and Arabs and for all world hatred and terrorism to stop, and for my children and grandchildren to grown up in a peaceful world.”

The news reporter says, “Wow that’s truly beautiful, how do you feel after doing this for 70 years?”

The man replies, “I feel like I’ve been talking to a *beep* brick wall.”

Re: I am sick of posting religious arguments

So a young man joins a monastery where everyone is required to take a vow of almost complete silence. The rule is each member is only allowed to say two words once every ten years.

After being there for ten years he goes to the senior monk and says "Bed hard."

Another decade passes and he again he goes to the senior monk and says "Food sucks."

Then another decade goes by and he looks at the senior monk and says "Pipes leak."

Finally after another ten years he goes to the senior monk and says "I quit." to which the senior monk replies "Well it's about damn time, you've done nothing but complain since you got here."
___
Hunters have a perverted gun fetish, so sayeth a terrorist supporting kiddie-fiddler.

Re: I am sick of posting religious arguments

i'm waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay ahead of you.






Stephen

Re: I am sick of posting religious arguments

Yeah, well you didn't run fast enough.









I am Judge! Jury! and Executioner!

Re: I am sick of posting religious arguments

I had been waiting at the pearly gates for four days when this old guy with a beard and carrying a physicians handbag walks up to the front of the line. St. Peter nods and allows the fellow into Heaven without any questions. I said, "Why do we have to wait? Who is that guy?" St. Peter says, It's just God playing doctor."

Re: I am sick of posting religious arguments

I'm sick of you posting religious arguments, too.









And you know the sun's settin' fast
And just like they say nothing good ever lasts

Re: I am sick of posting religious arguments

One day, a man was walking through the woods when he came across a large group of people right by the rushing river. He came over to see what it was all about. There was a man in the river dunking the people under water and bringing them back up again. So he came up & asked him what was going on. The man in the water replied, "all these people are here to find Jesus. Would you like to find Him too?" "Certainly," the first man answered. So the man standing in the river took him & dunked him under water. When he pulled him out, he asked him, "Did you find Jesus?" "No," replied the man. So, the guy in the river dunks him under the water for about a minute longer. Pulls him out again & asks him, "Did you find Jesus?" Again, the first guy replies "no." The preacher again dunks him in the water, this time for about 5 minutes. He pulls him out again, & asks "Did you find Jesus?" Again the man replied, "Well, no." Now the preacher was really getting frustrated. He forcefully dunked the man under water, & holds him under for about 10 minutes. He finally pulls him out again & asks his question: "Have you found Jesus?!?!" The man came out from under the water, sputtering, choking from all the water that he had been under & asks "Are you sure this is the part of the river where he fell in, Sir?"







I am Judge! Jury! and Executioner!

Re: I am sick of posting religious arguments

There was a little boy who lived in a far away land. Close to the boy's home, there was a tall mountain, always covered in snow at the top. Also at the top of the mountain, there was an ancient monastery where ancient monks lived.

Sometimes, the little boy, as he was riding his tricycle around his yard, would look up at the monastery on the tall mountain and wonder what it was like up there.

One day, when the wind was blowing down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold and the little boy could hear a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious.

So, the little boy made a peanut butter sandwich, hopped on his tricycle and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him hours and hours, but he finally made it to the top. He bravely pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door.

"Hello, Mr. Monk, sir. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"

"I'm sorry," replied the head monk, "I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."

Sadly, the little boy got back on his tricycle and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise.

The wind did not blow down off the mountain again until a couple years later. The boy was a bit bigger and stronger now and now rode around town on his bicycle.

As luck would have it, he was out riding when the wind blew down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold, and he heard a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious.

So, the bigger boy made a ham and cheese sandwich, hopped on his bicycle and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him hours, but he finally made it to the top. He pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door.

"Hey, Mr. Monk. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"

"I'm sorry," replied the head monk, "I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."

Sadly, the big boy got back on his bicycle and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise.

The wind did not blow down off the mountain again until a couple years later. The boy had grown into a strapping youth now and rode around town on his motorcycle.

As luck would have it, he was out riding when the wind blew down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold, and he heard a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious.

So, the strapping youth grabbed a slice of pizza, hopped on his motorcycle and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him 30 minutes, but he finally made it to the top. He pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door.

"Yo, Mr. Monk, dude. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"

"I'm sorry," replied the head monk, "I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."

Sadly, the strapping youth got back on his motorcycle and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise.

The wind did not blow down off the mountain again until a couple years later. The boy was now a young man and often rode around in his new convertible sportscar.

As luck would have it, he was out riding when the wind blew down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold, and he heard a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious.

So, the young man bought a burger at a fast food place, got in his convertible sportscar, and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him 20 minutes, but he finally made it to the top. He pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door.

"Mr. Monk. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"

"I'm sorry," replied the head monk, "I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."

Sadly, the young man got back in his convertible sportscar and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise.

That night, he thought and thought about the very strange noise and how he just had to know what caused it. So, he resolved to do something about it the next day.

The next day, he got in his convertible sportscar and raced up the mountain, slammed on his brakes, and skidded to a stop right in front of the massive door to the monastery.

He honked the horn of his convertible sportscar until the head monk finally opened the door.

"Alright, Mr. Monk, I want to know what is making that very strange noise coming from you monastery!"

"I'm sorry," replied the head monk, "I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."

"Well, then can I become a monk?"

"Why certainly! It is quite easy. You must travel the earth and count the number of blades of grass in every field and the number of grains of sand on every beach. When you return with your answer, then you shall be a monk."

So the young man left the monastery and travelled the earth. For years and years he counted the blades of grass and grains of sand, until one day he had finally finished. He made his way slowly back to the monastery and found the head monk.

"Oh, Mr. Monk, I have travelled the earth these past years, counting the blades of grass and grains of sand. I finally know that there are 123,123,123,123,123 blades of grass in the fields and 123,123,123,123,123 grains of sand on the beaches and I would like to become a monk."

So the man became a monk. At last, he would now be able to find out the source of that very strange noise coming from the monastery.

"Mr. Monk, what is the noise coming from the monastery?" asked the new monk.

The head monk replied, "The source is too complicated to describe in words. I am afraid that you must see it for yourself to truly understand it. This key will show you the answer you seek."

"Take this key to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery. There you will find a long corridor. At the end of the corridor is a door and through the door is the thing that makes the noise."

Well, of course the new monk went immediately to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery and there he did indeed find the long corridor. He walked down the corridor until he could see the door at the end.

Unfortunately, there were three magical fires that never go out blocking the man from the door. He decided to jump the fires to reach the door. The man made sure the key was secure in his hand, took a running charge at the first fire and leapt!

Over the first fire he flew, but he dropped the key. The man leapt back over the fire, ran all the way back down the long corridor, out of the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery and back to the head monk.

"Oh, Mr. Monk! I am so sorry! I went to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery, down the long corridor to the door, but there were magical fires and I dropped the key in the first one as I leapt over it."

"Do not worry, for there is another key and you must overcome tests on your way to enlightenment. The second key, however is far, far away in Canada."

The new monk left the monastery and travelled to Canada. It took many years because he had no money, being a monk and all.

Eventually, he arrived in Canada and managed to track down the key to the door. The monk then had to make the return journey equally as painstakingly, but finally he arrived back at the monastery. Down into the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery he went, until he found the long corridor.

The three magical fires were in front of him as he took a running start.

Over the first fire went the monk, key still in hand!

Over the second fire went the monk, key still- RATS!
He had dropped the key in the second fire. The monk leapt back over the second fire, back over the first fire, back down the long corridor he walked and out of the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery. The monk went back to the head monk.

"Oh, Mr. Monk! I am so sorry! I went to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery, down the long corridor to the door, but there were magical fires and I dropped the key in the second one as I leapt over it."

"Do not worry, for there is one more key and we must all overcome tests on our way to enlightenment. The third key, however is far, far away in Australia."

The monk left the monastery and travelled to Australia. It took many years because he had no money being a monk and all.

Eventually he arrived in Australia and managed to track down the key to the door. The monk then had to make the return journey equally as painstakingly, but finally he arrived back at the monastery. By this time, he was quite an old monk.

Down into the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery he went, until he found the long corridor. The three magical fires were in front of him as he took a running start.

Over the first fire went the quite old monk, key still in hand!

Over the second fire went the quite old monk, key still in hand!

Over the THIRD fire went the quite old monk, key still in hand!

He had made it! He'd made the jumps and here he was standing outside the door with the answer to his question. Finally, finally, after so many, many, many years of wanting to know what was making the strange noise, he would know. The answer lay through the door in front of him and he could at last be at peace with himself.

Slowly, the quite old monk slid the key into the lock. Turning the key a slight 'click' was to be heard as the lock moved back allowing the quite old monk to open the door. He pushed the door open and stepped inside.

Shock and amazement came over him as he finally realized the answer to his question!

Do you want me to tell you what it was?

I'm sorry, I can't tell you. You aren't a monk.

Re: I am sick of posting religious arguments

Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

"Whether homosexuality causes less harm (than slavery) is debatable" - Hada

Re: I am sick of posting religious arguments

Three Catholic priests, a Dominican, a Franciscan and a Jesuit, are sitting together playing a game of cards.
Then there's a thunderstorm, and suddenly the lights go out.

The Dominican exclaims: "It's a sign of God! We should not be sitting here playing cards! We should work on our next sermon!"
The Franciscan replies: "True, it's a sign of God. But what it says is: We should never have adopted electricity! We should have stayed with petroleum lamps. Then we might work on..."
At this moment, the lights go back on. The Jesuit has replaced the fuse.


-------------------------------------------
Everything is possible, and nothing is sure.

Re: I am sick of posting religious arguments

An altar boy, a priest and nun walk into a bar...

Re: I am sick of posting religious arguments

...ouch!

Re: I am sick of posting religious arguments


...ouch!

LOL!

Re: I am sick of posting religious arguments

And the bartender asks, "Is this some kind of joke....?"










I am Judge! Jury! and Executioner!

Re: I am sick of posting religious arguments

Off topic. Have you joined the new boards? If not how will we meet in the Chalfonts!

Little did I know the net would catch extra stupid in it. skyhawk0 Mar 21 2013

Re: I am sick of posting religious arguments

Three girls graduated from a convent school with top marks and were brought before the mother superior who congratulated them all on their hard work, she then ask what they planned to do with their lives.
The first girl said "Well mother superior I plan to go to medical school so I can learn how to help the sick."
"Bless you my child." Said the mother superior.
The second girl said "Well mother superior I plan to go train to become a teacher so I can teach future generations."
"Bless you my child." Said the mother superior.
The third girl said "Well mother superior I plan to become a prostitute."
The mother superior fainted and the girls rushed to help her. When she came round she called for the third girl.
"What did you say you were going to become?"
"I said I plan to become a prostitute."
"Thank goodness for that." Replied the mother superior "For a moment I thought you said you were going to become a protestant."


"Be safe, be happy, and don't let anyone make you afraid." David Coverdale

Re: I am sick of posting religious arguments

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."


"Whether homosexuality causes less harm (than slavery) is debatable" - Hada
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