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: Would like someone to take a look at my story
Would like someone to take a look at my story
3 years ago
(December 30, 2016 05:39 PM)
Member since October 2012
Sample writing below
The Sand Men
âGemini are you sure Orion is the right person?âAries asked.
âYes,â Gemini replied.
âWhat if he comes into be one of us, you know a Runner and he leads Sand Men to us?â Leo doubted.
âThereâs no need to doubt me,â said Gemini.
âI think itâs a good idea,â said Aries.
âHey, Aries Iâve noticed that you seem to talk a lot about Orion,â said Virgo.
âWhat are you trying to get at?â Aries asked.
âYou love him, donât you?â Virgo asked.
âThatâs ridiculous. Donât even go there,â Aries, replied, âleave it up to you to say something like that.â
âRemember Runners we can only stay on our Smart Phones for a few minutes,â Gemini warned.
âThe Sand Men like to use text messages to listen in on any communications from us Runners,â said Neptune.
âYeah, they also like to use phone calls and e-mails to find us,â said Aries.
âDog on it, you two, you both should have brought that up a few seconds ago,â said Taurus.
âYou got a text message, e-mail or phone call?â Gemini asked.
âE-mail,â Taurus answered.
âStop all talk,â said Gemini.
âOh no,â Aries thought. âWe need to contact Orion.ââ¦
It was about 5: 00 in the evening and the sun was already set. Mat McGinis had turned down his street and was heading for his apartment complex. Mat stopped and turned to look at the corner where he had come from. âRough day at work,â Mat thought. Mat remembered that his hand brushed up against a wall. He looked at his left hand and cleaned it off. He kept walking. âIâm glad I didnât tell Jo I was coming to the party tonight. Mat could wait to get home. He could get into his apartment and see if there are any text messages from Aries or Gemini. He moved as quickly as he could. âHope Miss. Jones donât see me before I get in my house. She always wants to talk and talk and I canât think of how much she talks. Just want to get inside my place and read my Smart Phone.â As he got near the complex, he moved more quietly and hoped that Miss. Jones was not sitting outside with her dog Brownie. Mat looked around a corner. Miss Jones was there and just turning with Brownie to go into her apartment. She went in and shut the door. Mat let out a deep breath. He quietly moved to the door of his apartment and made sure to keep very quiet. He took his keys out. Suddenly the keys slipped. The keys hit the ground and Mat felt like they made to much noise. âOh dog it. If the day wasnât hard enough.â He looked and saw nothing. He swiftly reached down and took hold of the keys and they stippled from his hands again!â Mat placed his hand over his eyes. He could not believe he made the same mistake allowing the keys to slip from his hand. He slowly picked the keys back up.
As he started to use one of the keys to open the door and voices called out, âHey Mat.â Mat jumped in fear.
âJeez! Sonya, do you have to walk up on me?â said Mat. Mat quickly looked to see if Miss Jones came out. No surprisingly. His skin looked lighter then it was before as he looked at Sonyaâs brown skin and dark brown eyes.
âIâm sorry, I didnât mean to scar you,â said Sonya. âI didnât think I could scar a tall white man so quickly.â
âSonya youâre look beautiful dressed in your yellow and brown flower design dress. Now what do you want? And go away.â Mat whispered.
âWhy are you whispering?â Sonya asked.
âShhhh,â Mat hushed. âDonât talk so loud,â he warned.
âSo are you going to the party that Jo is giving for his own birthday?â Mat looked around to see if anyone was looking.
âNo,â he said softly, âyou enjoy. Talk to you later. Got to go now.â Mat turned to and used his key to open the door to his apartment.
âWe should go out some time,â Sonya suggested. âCall me.â As Mat opened the door Miss Jones came out.
âMat is that you sonny?â Miss Jones asked. Mat quickly slammed the door.
âCall me,â Sonya said to Mat. Mat shook his head and sighed as he was now in his place. He placed his briefcase down and went to get a glass a glass of water. As he drank, he felt his Droid X 20 jingled in his pocket. He pulled the Smart Phone out and looked at it. It was letting him know he had a text message.
: Hello Orion, the message said.
Mat quickly went to his room and typed back: Gemini.
: Yes it is I, the person wrote back. I see youâre home now.
âWhat,â Mat thought, âhow does he know Iâm home?â Mat text back: How do you know Iâm home?
: Orion I and my people know a lot about you, more then you think. Now I donât have a lot of time to talk.
: I need to know about Climax and how to get it.
: You will know about that in time. For right now, you are in danger.
âIn danger,â Mat thought: What do you mean danger? He wrote.
: Look outside and be careful how long you look. Mat peeped out his bedroom window. He saw two men across the street in front of a long stretched vehicle. Each man wore a gray tuxedo. The men looked at Mat. Mat quickly moved back and hid
: What do they want?
: They want you. Those are Sand Men and theyâre after you.
: For what reason?
: They believe you are the one who will be able to help me and those who are with me. They want to take you in.
âWhat,â Mat thought : You need to help me, he transcribed via text.
: And I will, but you must do everything Aries and I tell you. You canât afford to miss a step.
âWe need to get Orion,â one of the Sand Men said.
âWe need to call the Police Department and Swat Team,â said the other Sand Man, âWe canât get him any other way; heâs talking to a Runner known as Gemini.
âYes just as our leader George predicted,â said the other man. Mat heard the sounds of sirens. A huge squad of Police cars and black vans came outside Matâs apartment.
: Orion, Police Officers and Swat Teams are outside. The Sand Men called them, Gemini jotted down. Mat couldnât believe it. He slightly looked out ad saw the whole group.
âWhy me and all this over finding out about Climax,â said Mat: Okay, you need to tell me me how to get of of this predicament, he composed with some mistakes.
: Weâll get you out, Aries engraved.
: Oh, youâre joining in the fun now, Mat typed to Aries.
: Listen Orion this is no time for jokes. You must do as I say or youâre meat for Hell, Aries entered.
âThis is Lieutenant Larry Kriss,â said a voice over a loud speaker. âI demand complete surrender from Mat McGinis. We order you to come out.â
âOh jeez, now what?â Mat thought.
: Orion you need to go to the roof of your apartment, Aries wrote. Donât think go now. Mat look quickly around to see what personal item he could grab. Aires sent him a warning that there was no time to think he had to go. Mat ran out of his room and looked for the way to get to the roof.
âJeez I donât know any way besides the front door to get out,â Mat said as he looked around. His Droid X 20 buzzed. Mat looked the phone.
: Go to the pantry, Aires text, there should be a brown door. Mat listened to the message. He went to the pantry and saw a door just as Airesâ message told him.
âHow does this person know all this?â Mat thought. Mat opened the door and saw stairs leading up and down. Out of nowhere, the swat team broke down the door to the apartment and ran in. They looked around the place. Mat went up stairs.
âNo one is here,â said one of the members of the Swat Team. One of the members discovered the backdoor. A small group of Swat Team went up and a small group when down the stairs. As Mat continued up, he saw a large window with a Sand Man standing with her back turned to him. He ran upward even faster. He got to the roof and looked around.
âOkay, now where, Mat thought. He looked at his Smart Phone. The phone buzzed. âOh good Aries is sending me another text.â
: Orion duck down and go over to the nearest wall, Aries communicated. Mat did as the message told him. Bullets suddenly flew over his head.
âHeâs on the roof,â a vice radioed about Mat.
: Orion there is a fire escape go to it straight ahead, Aries wrote. Mat thought: quickly Mat.
âOh God,â Mat thought as he looked down from the escape.
âGemini heâs not moving fast enough,â said Aries.
âAries youâre not supposed to contact me or any Runner with a phone call,â said Gemini. Aries cut off the call and got out of the area. A few Sand Men came in the area and looked around.
âThere was someone here possibly a Runner,â said one Sand Man. Mat started to climb down the ladder but it was to late.
âFreeze right there! Get back up here!â a man with a gun shouted at Mat.
âUh oh,â Mat thought. He came back up, two Swat Team members grabbed him, and another placed handcuffs on him.
âWeâve got the terrorist Mat McGinis,â one member radioed.
âBring him down, said a voice on the other end. The Swat Team walked with Mat. They brought him down the staircase.
: Aries are you Okay. Neptune wrote.
: Just fine, Aries responded via text: We missed Orion. He was moving to slow.
: Youâre not supposed to call any Runner, Gemini transcribed: Youâll lead Sand Men to you and the rest of us.
: I know I forgot, Aries typed: That locked person Orion was moving to slow.
: He seemed to be doing just fine, Gemini recorded.
: Now what do we do? Aries Jotted.
: This is not the end, weâll get Orion unlocked and to the Climax, Gemini wrote: Leo you see any Titan Walkers coming or activity from the leader of the Sand Men known as George.
: No sir, Leo wrote back.
: Think about it Aries when you were first being unlocked you had to lot to learn, Gemini text.
: Yeah, weâll Iâm much better then Orion, Aries responded via text.
: Theyâre taking him to the Police Station and labeled him as a terrorist, Neptune jotted down.
: We might what to find someone else to unlock, Leo scripted.
: Weâre going to focus on Orion before we attempt to unlock someone else,â Gemini transcribed.
Aries sighed and wrote: Neptune, can you get a door to open, I need to get to the Police Department.
: One door coming up as you ordered, Neptune typed. Neptune used telekinesis to create a door. Aries walked up to the door and slowly opened it. She peeped out to the other side. No one seemed to be nearby the door. Aries moved fully into the area and quickly closed the door. She looked around now as she wore a Police uniform.
âI forgot what itâs like being on Earth now that Iâm in Climax. Iâve been in the world Climax for four hundred and six days now. Aries heard footsteps. She used her telekinesis to lift her self up to the ceiling and stayed there. A group of Cops came down the hall with Mat in their custody. âGot her just in time.â The Cops brought Mat to a room and sat him down. They walked out. Mat gave then stern looks and they gave stern looks too as they left. Suddenly Aries Smart Phone Droid 10 vibrated. She pulled the phone out and looked at its message.
Re: Would like someone to take a look at my story
2 years ago
(February 17, 2018 05:21 AM)
Member since February 16, 2018
will have a look at it for sure
live like a pro dude
Re: Would like someone to take a look at my story
2 months ago
(September 12, 2020 03:11 PM)
Member since August 6, 2020
I don't get it. What is the point? Is it science fiction?