Divorce : How the hell does this happen?
Re: How the hell does this happen?
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How on earth do people end up in relationships with people who they "love" and then it comes to THIS? ?
I have been married (happily) for the last 28 years and I often wonder the same thing.
I once asked a guy, on his 3rd wife, what made him know the other relationships were not working . and his answer horrified me he said he just woke up one morning and wasn't feeling it so he got divorced.
Personally, at least how I sleep at night after what the guy said , I think some people really grow apart - face it, none of us are the same people we were 20 years ago. That change is what makes or breaks you. Allowing your partner to grow, respecting them for who they are now and working to continue building a life together is what makes it work. I think that sometimes that is impossible.
As far as having an affair - I think that when people miss the excitement of a new relationship they seek out that excitement somewhere else. But, instead, if you use that energy and reinvest it in your marriage it would be a good thing.
Re: How the hell does this happen?
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I understand growing apart. That makes sense to me no doubt. However, it's the resentment, the hostility, and the anger that I don't understand.
What I mean is, personally speaking, I have only spent three months with someone I wasn't right for and everyone else lasted three weeks. They are at a level of hostility between each other where I find it very hard to believe that they wouldn't have been disrespecting each other early into the relationship. There is SO much diresepct. SO much disrespect! I honestly have to imagine they lacked awareness early into their relationship. They honestly must have been blind because they are clearly very wrong for each other. They should have figured this out earlier rather than have kids.
Are people desperate to find someone so they settle for whoever? Its honestly baffling to me how much two married people could resent each other as much as these two do. I know other couples like this and its just so perplexing.
What I mean is, personally speaking, I have only spent three months with someone I wasn't right for and everyone else lasted three weeks. They are at a level of hostility between each other where I find it very hard to believe that they wouldn't have been disrespecting each other early into the relationship. There is SO much diresepct. SO much disrespect! I honestly have to imagine they lacked awareness early into their relationship. They honestly must have been blind because they are clearly very wrong for each other. They should have figured this out earlier rather than have kids.
Are people desperate to find someone so they settle for whoever? Its honestly baffling to me how much two married people could resent each other as much as these two do. I know other couples like this and its just so perplexing.
Re: How the hell does this happen?
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Are people desperate to find someone so they settle for whoever?
I think you are on to something there. Give yourself credit for knowing your relationship wasn't going to work that is insight that people are lacking.
People can get wrapped up in "a story" of what they want. Then they do things to make that happen . sorta like planning a wedding before there is a groom then fitting the next guy who comes along into the role of groom. Never factoring in that they weren't right for each other. Then once they realize they aren't really happy - they blame their partner (not to say some people are just horrible and you don't know it at first) When in reality they only got married to get married. Marriage (any relationship really) is work and there are people who don't want to bother.
I know of a woman who married just so she could have kids and when the kids were old enough she left her husband. A ton of animosity there - so maybe, there was never any love or respect and once they stopped pretending the hurt and pain came out. I know if I was her husband . I would have been pretty pissed.
Frances and Robert . my take is that she checked out of the marriage. She left the life she had for him to start his business in the suburbs. Now, she is unhappy and resents him for it. He pulls away, she pulls away and they become roommates more so than a couple. Instead of figuring out why they are unhappy they just take it out on the other because they blame the other person no respect, no communication, no self awareness. Then in her case she begins a relationship with another man. She should have tried wooing her husband instead. Maybe they wouldn't have gotten to the point of hate.
I'm not going to lie . when she gave Robert the finger (behind his back) in the first episode I LAUGHED because I have done the same thing. The difference is that at some point I would go to my husband and say why I was mad at him and we in turn would/will work out the issue. (some issues take longer than others but that's for a talk over coffee LOL)
I have found that people don't want to bother working out a situation with their partner which is funny because we work out situations in every other relationship.
I think you are on to something there. Give yourself credit for knowing your relationship wasn't going to work that is insight that people are lacking.
People can get wrapped up in "a story" of what they want. Then they do things to make that happen . sorta like planning a wedding before there is a groom then fitting the next guy who comes along into the role of groom. Never factoring in that they weren't right for each other. Then once they realize they aren't really happy - they blame their partner (not to say some people are just horrible and you don't know it at first) When in reality they only got married to get married. Marriage (any relationship really) is work and there are people who don't want to bother.
I know of a woman who married just so she could have kids and when the kids were old enough she left her husband. A ton of animosity there - so maybe, there was never any love or respect and once they stopped pretending the hurt and pain came out. I know if I was her husband . I would have been pretty pissed.
Frances and Robert . my take is that she checked out of the marriage. She left the life she had for him to start his business in the suburbs. Now, she is unhappy and resents him for it. He pulls away, she pulls away and they become roommates more so than a couple. Instead of figuring out why they are unhappy they just take it out on the other because they blame the other person no respect, no communication, no self awareness. Then in her case she begins a relationship with another man. She should have tried wooing her husband instead. Maybe they wouldn't have gotten to the point of hate.
I'm not going to lie . when she gave Robert the finger (behind his back) in the first episode I LAUGHED because I have done the same thing. The difference is that at some point I would go to my husband and say why I was mad at him and we in turn would/will work out the issue. (some issues take longer than others but that's for a talk over coffee LOL)
I have found that people don't want to bother working out a situation with their partner which is funny because we work out situations in every other relationship.
Re: How the hell does this happen?
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There's so much bitterness, resentment, etc. How does this happen after years of being together?
I think you just answered you own question. Bitterness and resentments often build up and fester for years. Someone once told me that the person you marry is not the person you divorce. It's true. As a child of divorce, I can attest to that. Toward the end of their marriage, my parents had screaming fights, threatened to kill each other, and stormed out of the house for hours (sometimes days) at a time. I'm pretty sure that's not how things were in the early years. But after a few kids, tight finances, and abandoned dreams, they put the blame on each other. It doesn't have to happen that way, but it often does. My sister is going through a divorce right now and it's the same story. One kid, financial pressures, missed opportunities. I think she and her husband are convinced, like a lot of people, that they're not living the lives they expected to because of a spouse's failings rather than their own. I hope that doesn't happen to me and my husband, but I can understand how it could happen in a marriage. After watching these first few episodes, I can see Frances maybe secretly resenting her husband for asking her to make the career sacrifices that she did in order to support his business, and parlaying those resentments into an affair. And her husband (I forget his name) is lashing out at her about the affair with so much vitriol because he's probably scared of losing everything that they've built over the years. (I think that's where anger comes from most of the time - fear.) And he's probably mad at himself for letting things get to the point in the marriage where his wife would step out on him (not that her affair is justified, but the marriage must have been in a bad place when it started). Now that years of issues have come to a head, they're being openly hostile rather than suppressing everything like they used to.
Re: How the hell does this happen?
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Sometimes life just happens and people can be just going through the motions for a long time before they realise things aren't right. When you have been with a person for twenty plus years it is actually possible to just have nothing to talk about and it can take a lot of work to sort it out. If the love isn't there anymore then it won't happen. It's also possible that the person you fell in love with isn't the same person years down the line or vice versa. There is a very thin line between love and hate.
Re: How the hell does this happen?
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Sounds like you too are holding on to some bitterness and resentment.
I was only deluded one time and it lasted for three months, believing that our relationship was forever. I now see I was an idiot and will never, ever make that mistake again.
"What race are you? If you don't tell me I'll justassume the worst."
Re: How the hell does this happen?
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No, definitely not at all. I was merely pointing out that I don't understand how people don't see clearly early on, or even a few years into it.
How do people get married, have children, and then become bitter and cold towards one another? If you ever loved that person at all, how could you talk to them like the way these two talk to each other?
They are demeaning, cold, and nasty to each other and I see so many other couples who are like this.
How do people get married, have children, and then become bitter and cold towards one another? If you ever loved that person at all, how could you talk to them like the way these two talk to each other?
They are demeaning, cold, and nasty to each other and I see so many other couples who are like this.
Re: How the hell does this happen?
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It's not that hard to understand. "Familiarity breeds contempt". The people we know for years are the ones most likely to hurt us, because they know us better than anyone. We see each other at our best but also our worst, and sometimes it's just too much to accept.
That's the risk people take when committing to a long-term relationship. There's always a chance that individuals will change so much that they can't be a couple anymore. Then they fall out of love.
That's the risk people take when committing to a long-term relationship. There's always a chance that individuals will change so much that they can't be a couple anymore. Then they fall out of love.
How the hell does this happen?
I was only deluded one time and it lasted for three months, believing that our relationship was forever. I now see I was an idiot and will never, ever make that mistake again.
How on earth do people end up in relationships with people who they "love" and then it comes to THIS? I know many couples who talk to each other like this, or who have nothing to say to each other at all, and who either do or should just end it! What in the actual f0cking hell? There's so much bitterness, resentment, etc. How does this happen after years of being together?