The Watercooler : My dad just pulled the plug, today.

I was just sad for him, and my mom, for all our experiences that led to their aging and dying rather than more fun. We had an excellent visit Tuesday, my last opportunity to see him. I think he died happy and comfortable. He was still there for me and I was sad, but I think he was about to decline again, at least eventually. At least, now, he could still communicate. It did seem a bit hectic, the visits here and there from 5 different people coming in several days a week. It was a hospital setting, and he wasn't dressed up nice. It was sad. I wish we never moved to Orlando. It's full of transitory feelings and people/characters. The environment isn't home. You'd think Disney would be nice, but it's not. My dad just got a job here and retired and then declined. I couldn't believe we couldn't get out. We moved twice within this area. I actually came after because I had to come home from college. In his later days, my dad enjoyed random music, a certain kind like soft pop, sometimes had watched TV and movies more before. He had stuff to do on his computer. So, now my mom died from 3 kinds of cancer December 2018 and today my dad. It's been a rough and sad time for us. My dad was still there for me, too, but maybe it was getting worse just now. My younger brother said it was getting harder for him to breathe now. He couldn't talk for awhile yet last time could. I wish we could have moved. He wasn't open to me anymore, anyway, so I dunno. My younger brother said he's gonna help me find a place now, to be safe. My aunts were supposed to be responsible, too, but so far I reported some results, maybe only one with hope, though I don't really want to move to a group home. Some are probably nice, but most are expensive, maybe $10K/month. I'm worried about living on my own however. I want to act in movies for money eventually, but first I think I need to just move. Eventually, I want to go to Germany. I just hope nothing happens. If I lose my SSI for some reason,I can get a full time job. SSI says you can only make up to around $18K+/year if you want to keep SSI, which is up to about $780/month for one person. So, that's $30K/year. An apartment may be $500-$1000/month, not sure of the cheapest. I have my stuff ready to move out, too. I already sorted and got rid of things and know what I can keep maybe. I'm sad about being alone, now. I wish I graduated college and didn't have to stay home once I came back. I turned into a vegetable. I don't want to be responsible for working because my diabetes pills I'm still on but dieted make me tired. I should be able to get off some in a few months if my A1C lowers significantly. I am trying to sleep the night, but I wake up. I am in bed for about 12 hours at a time. I eat canned soup a lot. I don't have much time. I hope I don't get sick and die. My life is a bit depressing without a support system in good working condition. People have backed away it feels. They are convinced not to tell me I'm okay and just want revenge for their own lives, which may have a support system, including healthy parents. Everyone is hanging on thinking I did something bad with no way out. I can't seem to get on with my life because of them. I don't know if we'll have a funeral for my dad. I think he wants to be cremated. His muscle was deteriorating, so maybe he doesn't want to be displayed. My mom didn't have a funeral. We did visit her in Hospice. I think my parents were sad to leave us. There was so much hope, and they still seemed young. My mom was 59 and my dad 70. I just wish the rest of my life were okay, too, and exciting. I am mourning their loss and have to worry about finding a place to live. I wonder if I will have to work, unless I find a group home that takes health insurance I can get. Also, my social life isn't okay, to be honest. People in general see me as bad somehow, since I moved to Orlando and people were mean to me and I don't know why, but people think it's bad I stomped my foot sometimes, not too bad and not as bad until they continued to bother me. Also, at home, my parents were upset with me and giving me the cold shoulder, like I won't know why nor get out of it. It's terrifying. I was aggressive sometimes, and now I'm not trusted. I had asked and I got threatened to get thrown out the house or car. So, I'm nobody with no one, been living with sick parents for years, struggling to learn a new musical instrument as a music major from before. I'm not used to those entry level jobs like cashier. Oh well, it's sad and now a bit daunting, like a movie of someone striking out on their own with "battles" to overcome. It's very sad to lose my parents.

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(?) ⅛ Dutch ½ Chinese-Indonesian
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Very sorry for your loss Christina. I knew that your dad was not doing so well, but I didn’t realize that he was so bad off. I thought that maybe he had more time.

Take care, and good luck on the housing situation.

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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Thank you. Not much we could do about it? We knew about my parents dying for years, and it's been a miserable existence. It was too late. Yea, I hope I find a good situation. I'm supposed to maybe get a used car from my dad's savings, but I thought my parents left behind nothing, I guess since we're over 18 and can work.

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(?) ⅛ Dutch ½ Chinese-Indonesian
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Why not focus on your current living situation, your dads passing, then your mental health by taking your medication, get your feet sorted before you lose them which is what your dad wouldnt want. You can always have a holiday in Germany instead once the dust has settled, why are you so fixated on Germany. We in the UK hate the germans for WW1 and WW2, plus Germany has 4 seasons with winter being the coldest!

Oh? I always thought it was just the Nazis, and I heard some good people were related to Nazis. It seems the German youth they trained were fooled into that they were doing good. What about the penal colonies, Australia/NZ and New Orleans? - I lived in New Orleans as a teenager.

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(?) ⅛ Dutch ½ Chinese-Indonesian
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So sorry to hear this, Christina. I hope he died peacefully and painlessly. At least his suffering is over.

Thank you. You are right, he was sort of comfortable, seemed a little hectic at times. The suffering is over forever.

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(?) ⅛ Dutch ½ Chinese-Indonesian
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I haven't got the words to tell you properly how very sorry I am for you losing your Dad. My heart is really aching for you right now. I'm sending you love across the world, and hoping and wishing that you get through this time, with the help of your family. You've got a family here too, so let us help if we can.

Thank you. My younger brother was sad but smiled for me when he broke the news this afternoon when I woke up. He also had a girl with him when I woke up at my usual time. Thank you so much for expressing your support. Sometimes, when you lose a loved one, I think you have to feel sorry for the people you tell. I feel shame and loneliness often it seems.

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(?) ⅛ Dutch ½ Chinese-Indonesian
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So sorry, Christina. We are here for you .

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I wasn’t quite sure what I’d just seen, but I knew it was time for me to leave.

Thank you so much!

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(?) ⅛ Dutch ½ Chinese-Indonesian
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Christina, I cannot imagine how you must feel right now but I know enough to know it’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. It’s how you’re going to process what’s happened.

Thank you for sharing this with us. That entails a lot of trust, and I trust people will be respectful of that or otherwise remain silent.

I went through some stuff before but have not lost a parent. Do you have extended family on Facebook or Instagram? I bet if you express what you’re going through, and that you’re concerned about your living situation, that you might find someone willing to both listen to you and help. It may not feel like it but you’re stronger than you or anyone else knows, you just need to hold on to that belief and it will be true.

You mentioned your parents disapproving of you, giving you the cold shoulder, etc. and how you’ll never know why that was. I’d imagine you’ll think about that sort of thing a lot and it’ll be painful. Ideally, you’d be able to think about that with a therapist but that requires health insurance. An alternative to therapy might be to go on Reddit r/confessions or on Kik and search for a group for this sort of thing.

Maybe I’m totally misreading you but if you feel completely directionless, that’s normal and it may even end up being a good thing. You can make this feeling go away by working very hard at something like a sport or a hobby. When I felt totally lost before, I took up a sport and became very good at it. Getting really good at something give you direction, confidence, and a way to escape life for as much as you want every day.

Anyways, I wrote a lot. If you’re anything like I am, when something is bothering me I have trouble sleeping. Hopefully if anything this might help you sleep, lol. You’ll get a lot of advice from people, including strangers, if you open up to them. Take what’s useful and consider the rest evidence that there are people out there - strangers - who can relate, and that you are never truly alone.

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I'm cumming.

🏆

I have some relatives on Facebook. I've been posting about my living situation.

Yea, my parents didn't open up later on in life but seemed to have hope for the future, not sure what here in Orlando.

Yes, I still like classical music. I am even practicing violin. I was a piano/organ major and ballet minor.

Thank you so much!

Yea… I am feeling those depressing things I've been mentioning. I was thinking about what if we didn't move to Orlando, too. Would it be okay? or were they just old? I feel old and sick.

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(?) ⅛ Dutch ½ Chinese-Indonesian
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Yeah, the weird thing About the mind and those “what if” thoughts is you know asking “what if we didn’t move here” won’t change anything. If you did move someplace else, and it would have been awesome, that will not change where you are now. I remember hating those thoughts the most when I suffered a loss.

It’s strange, though, because sometimes it just feels good to talk about the “what if” thing. It’s like, if you keep working through these different what if scenarios, i think your mind is processing such a big change. So I remember hating how it felt to think about that but also actively trying to think about it and talk about it.

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I'm cumming.

There were blessings here at a personal cost that so far didn't turn up much other than death and suffering.

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(?) ⅛ Dutch ½ Chinese-Indonesian
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Maybe. And maybe you needed to experience those personal costs to learn how costly they really are.

In that sense, you’ve earned wisdom at the expense of those personal costs. A lot of people never learn to prioritize themselves. Don’t be like them anymore.

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I'm cumming.

I don't think that that's where my guilt lies.

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(?) ⅛ Dutch ½ Chinese-Indonesian
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Where’s it lie ?

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I'm cumming.

I used to ask them to go for walks and to exercise better/more. I don't know about food. I used to be scared to leave my room when I came home from college. My dad drove funnily and it bothered me, so I stopped going out.

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(?) ⅛ Dutch ½ Chinese-Indonesian
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How’d they react when you asked them to exercise more?

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I'm cumming.

No. They didn't do it. After my mom went on a treadmill at a hotel stay, she found she had a developed stage of breast/bone cancer. My dad drove with me all the way to the gym far away and he ended up sitting in his car talking on his cell phone.

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(?) ⅛ Dutch ½ Chinese-Indonesian
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By the way, that’s very cool. I don’t even know how to read music and never was able to learn.

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I'm cumming.

That's why I became a music education major! Well, one reason.

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(?) ⅛ Dutch ½ Chinese-Indonesian
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Other reason?

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I'm cumming.

Remotely that I got to take violin? Definitely so I could break into the singing program after 1 failed audition. ….

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(?) ⅛ Dutch ½ Chinese-Indonesian
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I was supposed to graduate college first, but I was told to adjust/change my major and it didn't work out, at a nice school.

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(?) ⅛ Dutch ½ Chinese-Indonesian
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If you are a serious person I would probably let you live with me and try to mentor you

Who are you?

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(?) ⅛ Dutch ½ Chinese-Indonesian
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Angie

asl

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(?) ⅛ Dutch ½ Chinese-Indonesian
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I wasn’t quite sure what I’d just seen, but I knew it was time for me to leave.

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(?) ⅛ Dutch ½ Chinese-Indonesian
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I’ll hazard a guess Angie is 40/m/?

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I wasn’t quite sure what I’d just seen, but I knew it was time for me to leave.

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(?) ⅛ Dutch ½ Chinese-Indonesian
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My heart sunk lower and lower when I read your post. I’m so sorry. I know this day was inevitable, but it doesn’t make it any less upsetting.

I am glad your father at least had a peaceful exit. You can take solace in the fact that, up until this point, you lived with him and saw him often. Above all, you were a good daughter to both of your parents.

Right now, you’re in a place where nothing makes sense and it feels like your whole world just collapsed in front of you. But take it from someone who has been in your shoes before, never ever give up on yourself. You’re allowed to feel grief and sadness over this, but your life is not a mistake. You were born to do great things and you have. You’re kind, you’re smart, and you are endlessly creative. In your parents legacy, you will do great things no matter if you live in Orlando and move away.

I know your living situation is a little stressful, but please take some time to grieve for yourself while you still can. It sounds like you can still live in your dad’s house for the time being and your family is working to move you to a livable working situation. You’re very lucky to have a strong support system. And we are here for you too. Anytime.

I'm sorry it's so sad. Yes, at least he died peacefully, rather than the ventilator alone keeping him alive. My aunt said he was in more pain it seemed and my brother said he was on more pain medicine. He seemed peaceful but cried when I left, as usual later on. It was a great visit from him and he saw I was skinnier, as I was skinnier before too. It is sad to think of why my parents died young and by accident via health problems.

Thank you for your concern about my life itself. I do have other problems. I am considering leaving this state, rather than depending on my aunts for some help. I'm looking at northern Ohio, found an apartment for less than$ $700/month. I also found my SSI can transfer there. SSDI means I can't work for 12 months, so I may not commit to that. I just feel that people mishandle my life and I'm blamed for so much that others aren't and it's somehow gotten crazy like it might be inevitable in some ways possible.

Thanks. I am glad I have film|boards still as a support system and that my younger brother exists and I got sympathy from relatives, though some may be disagreeable usually sad to say.

Thanks, yea, I am so happy to have this place.

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(?) ⅛ Dutch ½ Chinese-Indonesian
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Whatever you end up doing, if you ever want to just talk, I’m here for you. There are lots of people here that care deeply about you.

Thank you. That's nice to know and of you to say! I imagine this is epic and excessively tragic.

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(?) ⅛ Dutch ½ Chinese-Indonesian
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It's too late to finish school, and I am getting older.. I am struggling with lowering diabetes. I am supposed to get help to find a place from my aunts and younger brother, otherwise would ask a lawyer what my options are.. Yea, I have a lot of good things going for me in what I accomplished as a person. Thanks! I hope your problems get dealt with and helped!

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(?) ⅛ Dutch ½ Chinese-Indonesian
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Yeah i think it's block time for harambe.

Not exactly sure what you mean.

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(?) ⅛ Dutch ½ Chinese-Indonesian
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Donna needs to go

She did seem looney.

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(?) ⅛ Dutch ½ Chinese-Indonesian
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Jesus Christ, Donna, when someone posts about their dad dying you really need to do everything you can to curtail your mentally deformed state.

Just stfu ok? Delete these posts and just fuck off!

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I wasn’t quite sure what I’d just seen, but I knew it was time for me to leave.