Humor : Jokes, cartoons, and memes: Now headed to 4,000, which is a decagonal number.

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How does your feline shop?

By reading a catalog.



Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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Q: Do you remember that joke I told you about my spine?
A: It was about a weak back!

You've seen Guy Standeven in something since the man was in everything.

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I did that one already, but we'll let that slide.

Don't worry if you miss a gym session.

Everything will work out.



Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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I just attended an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.

You've seen Guy Standeven in something since the man was in everything.

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Sunny-side up, scrambled, or an omelet?

It doesn't matter. They're all eggcellent!



Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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Q: Why do fish live in salt water?
A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!

You've seen Guy Standeven in something since the man was in everything.

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Who can jump higher than a house?

Pretty much anyone, cause houses can't jump.



Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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Q: What streets do ghosts haunt?
A: Dead ends!

You've seen Guy Standeven in something since the man was in everything.

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How many bugs do you need to rent out an apartment?

Tenants.



Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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Wait, you don't want to hear a joke about potassium?

K.



Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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"When you can't look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark." ~ Alice in Wonderland

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How do you feel when there's no coffee?

Depresso.



Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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Why is it's dangerous to enter the "bad jokes" thread?

Because it's full of dad jokes

Every time you read this signature, my butthole throbs.

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I want to go camping every year.

This year's trip was so in tents.



Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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"When you can't look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark." ~ Alice in Wonderland

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How do you arrange a space-themed hurrah?

You planet.



Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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Did you hear about the peanut that went into Central Park after dark?

It was a salted.

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Your ex.

That's the punchline.



Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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Q: What do clouds wear under their shorts?
A: Thunderpants!

You've seen Guy Standeven in something since the man was in everything.

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I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me?

Stay out of those places!



Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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I'd like to give a big shout out to all the sidewalks …

… for keeping me off the streets!

You've seen Guy Standeven in something since the man was in everything.

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Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: Because he didn't have the guts!

You've seen Guy Standeven in something since the man was in everything.

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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.



Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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Q: Why couldn't the pirate sit down?
A: Because he had his booty stolen!

You've seen Guy Standeven in something since the man was in everything.

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Where did the king keep his armies?

Up his sleevies.



Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?



You look for Fresh Prints!

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What are the biggest enemies of caterpillars?

Dogerpillars.

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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Q: What did the leper say to the hooker?
A: Keep the tip!

You've seen Guy Standeven in something since the man was in everything.

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What's the difference between an epileptic corn shucker, and a hooker with the runs?

An epileptic corn shucker shucks between fits, whereas a hooker with the runs……



Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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You dirty old man!

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And you're a snowflake and a pussy!



Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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Aww I was joking, you're too quick to throw out those insults.

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Sorry. My bad. There's so many nasty people on this board, I assumed…..

Insult offically withdrawn.



Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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Q: What kind of dinosaur has the biggest vocabulary?
A: A Thesaurus.

You've seen Guy Standeven in something since the man was in everything.

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What do you call an empty can of cheese whiz?

Cheese Was.



Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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Q: Where does Frosty keep his cash?
A: In a snow bank!

You've seen Guy Standeven in something since the man was in everything.

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What's the award for being the best dentist?

A little plaque.



Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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Q: What's the best way to cut wood?
A: Whittle by whittle.

You've seen Guy Standeven in something since the man was in everything.

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What did the finger say to the thumb?

I'm in glove with you.



Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: You put a little boogie in it!

You've seen Guy Standeven in something since the man was in everything.

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What do you call a magician dog?

A labracadabrador!



Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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Q: How did the Scotsman find the sheep in the tall grass?
A: Satisfying!

You've seen Guy Standeven in something since the man was in everything.

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Juan Kerr would enjoy that one.

What concert costs only 45 cents?

50 Cent plus Nickelback



Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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How do you cure your cravings for lettuce, tomatoes, turnips, etc.?

Get a vegetable patch.

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LOL!



What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.



Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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Q: Why did the woman do the deed with her dog?
A: Because she likes her sex ruff!

You've seen Guy Standeven in something since the man was in everything.

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(groans audibly)

Who invented the Round Table?

Sir Cumference.



Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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Q: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A: I don't know and I don't care!

You've seen Guy Standeven in something since the man was in everything.

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LOL!

What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung?

Guardians of the Galaxy!



Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.
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