One, Two, Three : Funniest line ever

Funniest line ever

Jimmy Cagney had one of the funniest lines I have ever heard in a movie, when he was talking to his wife about the boss coming to Berlin and the boss's daughter having run off with a Communist.

He said, "I wish I were in Hell with a broken back."

I've said that a number of times in my life and meant it.

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Bogart said something like it in Sabrina: "I wish I was dead with my back broken." I liked that one even better.

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When he mocks Edward G. Robinson and says on the stairs "is this the end for little ricco?" - That was funny!

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Wilder and his writing cohort I.A.L. (Izzy) Diamond loved that line and used it again and again in a number of their movies. He might've used it before he teamed up with Izzy, but I know I've heard it in "Sabrina," "One, Two, Three," "Irma La Douce" and "The Fortune Cookie."

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Wilder used it in "Five Graves to Cairo" via the Akim Tamiroff character.
The line is "I wish I was in a black pit with my back broken."

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Kiss Me, Stupid has Ray Walston say "I wish I was in hell with my back broken" too.

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yes this one has shown up in my lexicon of the last decade. the numero uno for me however is i'll have 2 lumps of benzedrine in my coffee

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He also threatened another character with a grapefruit, another reference to an earlier Cagney classic; "Public Enemy".

My favorite line was from one of the kids: Scarlett's gonna have puppies.

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My favorite line is...

Mrs. MacNamara: That'll be the biggest thing to hit Atlanta since General Sherman had that little barbecue!!

Kills me every time.

"Listen to them, children of the night. What music they make!" -- Dracula (1931)

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When Otto says he'll organize a Coca-Cola workers' revolt, Cagney says. "Put your pants on, Spartacus!"

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Now, that's a good one.

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When I'm laying in bed at night, sometimes that line goes through my head and I have to snicker. Or when the man walks though the door and yells, "Schmuck!" Cagney turns around indignantly, only to see the jeweler, who was introducing himself.

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Yes, that is the best one. Had me rolling.

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Only one?!

Borodenko:"We have trade agreement with Cuba,they send us cigars, we send them missles".
MacNamara:(Coughing)"You guys´ ve been had, this is a pretty crummy cigar".
Borodenko:"Do not worry, we send them pretty crummy rockets".


MacNamara:" You can´t go to Moscow,you can´t even get back into E. Berlin":
Piffle: "Why"?
MacNamara."Because you´re a confessed american spy":
Piffle:"Who says"?
MacNamara:""You did,don´t you remember,you´re "einer amerikanischen Spion"".
Charlotte:"How exciting darling,why didn´t you tell me?".


Borodenko:""We have advantage over the americans,.... in America when something with missle goes wrong, they push button,and rocket goes "POW",but in Russia we have 2 buttons".
Piffle:(proudly)"2 buttons".
Borodenko:"Yes, 1 to blow up missle, the other to blow up scientists".

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I loved it when Red Buttons does his Cagney impression to Cagney.

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McNamara: Fritz, what's that behind us?
Fritz:: (checking the rearview) Looks like a 1937 Hudson.
McNamara: Step on it!!

Regards,
Dud

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"Looks like a 1937 Nash"

The joke is it's a new Russian car designed after the 37 Nash

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Charlotte??? The girl's name is Scarlett.


--
Rome. By all means, Rome.

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'This movie was CRAP.'

Interesting thesis, that. With all due respect, is it possible you have missed something redeeming about the film?
Would be interested in your take on some of Cagney's, or Wilder's, other offbeat productions.

(imho, the comment in re Dr. Strangelove above was insightful; what did you think of that premise?)

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What screaming? Don't recall it being a yell fest; rather a fast paced comedic story. What was funny was the furious fomentations this Cold War relic brought to light. A classic.

Still - if you didn't like it - you didn't like it. Sun will still come up tomorrow. At least you watched this one.

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One, Two, Three is so funny, fastpaced and dazzling, almost all modern movies appear slow and boring in comparison. The only Problem I had was trying not to laugh to much, in order not to miss the next great line.

As for my Favorite Line:
Otto Ludwig Piffl: Capitalism is like a dead hering in the moonlight: It shines but it stinks!

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When you get to Moscow you must send me Pravda every day, just the funnies...

He's not a communist, he's a republican--he's from the Republic of East Germany!

Almost every line in this movie is hilarious on some level. I saw it first as a teenager when it came out, and then again today. It has lost none of its sparkle, and remains one of the funniest of Wilder's movies. Cagney, Buccholz, Tiffin, and Francis were all superb, as were the rest of the supporting cast. Red Buttons cameo send-up of Cagney is priceless.

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Put your pants on, Sparticus!

Last year I saw an alleged comedy with Will Ferrell that got only modest laughs from a large audience. Later in the week I saw One, Two, Three in a theatre with only about twenty people, but all twenty of us were cracking up all the way through it. In my humble opinion, it's in the running for funniest movie of all time. (Also in the running: Airplane and Hellzapoppin'.)

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My favorite line

Scarlett's mother: "I always wanted my daughter to marry a man with a long line of something." Absolutely hilarious

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My favorite line from the film is from Comrade Perapetchicov: "Is old Russian saying,'Go West, young man.'"
I can't think of too many other films that ridicules communisim like this one. DON'T DRINK THE WATER and THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING, THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING! tend to make fun of the Cold War in general, with too much moral equivelence thrown in. What Cagney says in the opening is priceless. He describes the communists as "Real shifty." Christ! If that doesn't describe everyone from V.I.(I was just kidding)Lenin to Al Sharpton, and every lefty betwix and between.


"Put your pants on, Spartacus!"

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EVERYONE gets nailed in this film, not just the communists -- and that's the beauty of it! Wilder takes as many shots at us, the Germans, and anything else that gets in the way, as at the Eastern Bloc.

Regards,
Dud

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Yes this film is great, It takes shots at every one. You have to remember the movie (and the original german play) had almost finished shooting when the "Wall" was built. Thru part of the set. The Cold part of the Cold war didn't start till the movie was in the can. Prior to the wall there were probably a lot of inconsistancies, and therefore humor, in the Chilly War.

Communist
tons mentioned and unmentioned but especally the childishly desparate propagana ballons. Undoubtably true.

Nazis - the reporter who can't be bribed, but can be blackmailed by his past.
"Schimmer - Your back in the SS, (he clacks heels and looks pleased or did I imagine that) smaller salary." (I say pleased because Being in the SS was more "pristiged/feared" than being essentially a management gofer. Many a German had to pine a bit for their old status even if not the war.)

Capitalism
The attempt to "sell" the secretary to the Russians. Capitalist will sell anything for a buck or to save their kiester.
It's a rat race"......"and I know the rat".
The wife's repeated "yes mein führer".
Fringe benefits
and of course a boss's choice and "use" of his secretaries
Even elevator shoes (western vanity)

The South (yep)
Don't play "March on Atlanta"(?) cause the southern still resent the Civil War 100 years later.
Atlanta ... that's Siberia ..with mint julips (a northerner's 100 yr old prejudice)
Pamala Tifton exaggerated accent, practialy screeching the Classic southern words.
The comparison of the destruction of Atlanta, to the destruction of your daughter's innocence. Many a father would tell you the later is worse.

I'm sure there are more, lines,and groups that are chided but thats a couple of them.

"A lie can travel halfway around the world, before the truth can put it's shoes on."

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A little correction: the play on which the film is based is not German but Hungarian. It was written by Ferenc Molnar, one of Hungary's most prolific and popular (if quite lightweight) playwrights before WWII. (To this day, he is universally considered Hungary's most remarkable contribution to World Theatre. Which is kind of annoying.) The play was premiered in 1929, in Budapest, with the title "Egy, ketto, harom" (=One, Two, Three).

By the way, I really admire the creativity that went into the film's screenplay - how the basic antagonism between the Poor and Rich in Molnár's play was reshaped into the widescreen absurdity of opposing political regimes. They added such depth and corrosive edge to that premise of 'genteel comedy'.

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I agree that capitalism doesn't come off all that well, but I don't see your last example (vanity) as a particularly western characteristic. Even if North Korea's Kim Jong Il wasn't wearing them in the sixties, since then he has been photographed wearing elevator shoes.

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This Movie is one of my absolute favourites, and I think that the best line is:

Otto: I spit on your money. I spit on Fort Knox. I spit on Wall street.
McNamara: Unsanitary little jerk, isn't he?

Jimmy Cagney and Horst Buchholtz are both marvellous in their roles. Billy Wilder is a genious.

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I loved it when when Auto was saying how he spit on coco cola etc and cagney said "unsanitary little jerk isn't he?" in fact...I loved almost all of cagney's lines!

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That is a truly hysterical line, just one of many, but I think you mean "Otto"....not "Auto".

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I know its just a quick quip but "You guys can burn down the Reichstag but cant put a match to a lousy piece of paper" makes me bust out loud everytime.Cagney was priceless in this film.

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When McNamara finds out the Germans wont put a Coca Cola machine in the Reichstag "Sometimes I wonder who won the war".

Otto: "Russian rockets...the moon; American rockets pff pff Miami Beach".
And a humdred others.

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this film does ranks very high and reminds me of the marx brothers ANATO(35) and ADATR(36) and possibly it's a mad mad world(63)my favorit lines are the following:
when scarlett reminds piffl that her father feels strongly about certain issues, one is the civil war. cagney says, "if the subject comes up, just ay it was a draw".
cagney reminds the three russian diplomats about the times they attempted to reproduce coke.

otto comes storming in with nothing but pants on and states he will not ware them. the taylor tells him they are from the pr of yugoslavia. pippl shots back, "we will deal with tito when the time comes".

also serveral running gags: ie pipple keeps running in the office without his pants on, pippl keeps reminding everyone that he is a party member, paid up until december. caganey having to say constantly, decimaken, to the standing employes.
d hayden

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McNamara: That guy in there, don't tell him those are French cuffs, with the Algeria situation the way it is.

And it's funny how twenty minutes later, political jokes are told in the same movie as...

Scarlet: We gotta be careful while we're changing the diapers. Otto comes from a long line of bleeders.

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Scarlett: 'Where I come from EVERYBODY hates the Yankees.'

Otto: 'The situation is hopeless, but not serious.'

MP (Red Buttons): 'One is green, one is yellow, and they both say Yankee Go Home!'

Others have already been mentioned. Maybe someone can help with this one: As McNamara picks out shoes for Otto, he holds up a white shoe close to the camera and says, 'Too many holes.' What's the reference?

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Earlier the Russians say they are meeting with the Swiss Trade Delagation regarding 20 (box)car loads of cheese "Totally unacceptable, full of holes".
Later when Cagney holds up the shoe he says "Totally unacceptable, full of holes".

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The shoes were a basketweave. They are trying to sell basically the same ones at the Men's Wearhouse today, and they are full of holes.

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I've really enjoyed reading this thread. I saw the film in its theatrical release, and once or twice on TV, but it's been years. Tonight, it's going to be on our local PBS station, and I'm looking forward to hearing those great lines again.

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My favorite bit was when the group arrived at the checkpoint and gave the Russian guard a six pack of Cokes so he would let them through. The guard took one of the bottles and smashed it open against the guard house. He proceeded to drink out of the broken bottle. When the returned to the checkpoint, the guard ran over with the six pack of "empties".

"Two more swords and I'll be Queen of the Monkey People." Roseanne

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The young Communist: "You mean I've been a Capitalist for three hours and I owe $10,000 already?"
McNamara: "That's what makes America great: everyone owes everybody." or something like that.

"Two more swords and I'll be Queen of the Monkey People." Roseanne

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"He speaks Russian"

"Russian?!"

"White Russian, of course."

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Divtal-1 Did you see it on WHYY, Channel 12, in Philadelphia? We get that station in Allentown, too.

"Two more swords and I'll be Queen of the Monkey People." Roseanne

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Wilder loved movie references like in The Major and the Minor when at the ball one of the cadets said that all the girls there think they are Veronica lake and all the girls had peek a boo curls. I loved the Little Rico line in this film being cagney and Robinson were competitors in early 30's gangster flicks

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This has been one of my favorite movies since it was released and I thought I had a fairly good memory of the funny bits. But the knowledge of the posters on this thread is staggering, and I have been laughing the entire time I have been reading it. (Scarlett's gonna have puppies! )

"What we need here is more cowbell!"...Christopher Walken
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