The Jerk : Funniest Quotes

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"Two hundred and fifty big ones. Yes two hundred and fifty big one. That's two hundred and fifty thousand dollars!!!"

Maybe not the exact quote, but close enough=)

Meg

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Nevin: "Marie, I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone before.
I slit the sheet the sheet I slit and on the slitted sheet I sit. I've never been able to say that."

Something like that.



"Now go away or I should taunt you a second time."

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I think the line was " I've got something hard to tell you " then the "I slit the sheet the sheet I slit and on the slitted sheet I sit. I've never been able to say that." line.

I cried and cried with laughter at that - my kids thought I had cracked totally.

Very funny film that I had not seen for years - a pleasure to watch with my teenage kids who thought it great. They could not believe what Navin came out with at times. "What's the dog called?" That set me off again.




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The one when he is handing the new account bank teller his identification and he hands him the astronaut application and says i failed it, except for the date of birth one.

Pretty funny quotes....y'all remember a lot more than i can.

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After the mad gunman chases Navin out of the gas station (Navin speeding away at 5 mph in the car with no tires) and Navin drives into the carnival area:

Mad Gunman (reads sign): " 'Carnival personnel only' ... Hey! You're not carnival personnel!"

Love that bit.

How about when he asks Patty where she keeps her motorcycle helmet. She grabs it away from him and tosses it aside. "Oh, you keep it there," he says.

Also love the free oven mitt, the cosmetologist/weightlessness crack, the Thermos song and many others. But the one I usually think of first is "What's happening to my Special Purpose?"

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I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.

this cracked me up! the brief of the meaningless blank that a person feels when being left!




so long, and thanks for all the fish!

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lol! My favorite lines are:

Navin's Butler: Sir, there are some charity people here to see you.
Navin: What? NO! SEND THEM AWAY! There are a lot of people more deserving than me!!!
Navin's Butler: Sir, they want you to give.
Navin: Oh, of course. Send them in, then.

haha and another is:
Patty: You're my man, look at my ass.
Navin: Oh wow! First I'm in the phonebook, now I'm on your ass! You know, I bet more people see that than the phonebook!?


~I want a taco...You know who can't have a taco??? CEDRIC! Because he's DEAD! *tear*~

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"No, we're going to keep out the ni**ers!"

"SIR...you are TALKING to a ni**er!" (and then of course, it goes right into the Bruce Lee action sequence).

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And the part when she's drunk and throwing knives at Navin - that whole scene is great. Learning knife-throwing from a matador, the balloon in Navin's jacket, the water coolers filled with both white and red wine complete with pull down glass goblets. One of the best comedies of all time.

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"He hates these cans!"

The whole scene where he says he doesn't need anything, but keeps picking up random stuff.

In fact, the whole movie is freakin comedy.




REAGAN SMASH!

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"How were you supposed to know that was Iron Balls McGinty"

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I adore them all, but I think the first line that cracked me up was probably the best, because it set the mood.

"I was born a poor black child."

The oven mitt thing was hilarious, too. Couldn't he have thought of something better than an oven mitt?

Oh! And:

Navin: I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.
~*~*~*~*~*
JESS: Nice spin, you should work for Bush.

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The scene where he is writing out checks to people

1 Dollar and 9 cents!!!

The way he says it each and everytime just makes me laugh.

Also when he grab a bunch of worthless crap, walks out of the house, manages to make to san fransico, and trade it all for a thermas.


Hey this is like a ride.

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"Ahh! It's a profit thing."

"He ran the old cup of pizza guy out of business."


"I'm picking out a thermos for you. . . "

"Open ALL the windows."

"The new phone books are here . . . The new phone books are here!"

In addition to all those mentioned by other folks -- this is the funniest movie ever.

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The funniest to me was when the rich white guys were talking to him about setting the housing prices too high.

"We're gonna keep out the *beep*

"My friend you're talking to a *beep*

Then he pulled out that awesome Bruce Lee imitation and beat the hell out of them.

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Navin on the train - "Thanks for pulling my cap down"

Irving's wife - "Stay away from my husband you Ms. Blondie!"

Patty - "Now remember I did this without anger ...and I stayed away from your crotch!"

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Mother: Navin, it's your birthday, and it's time you knew. You're not our natural-born child.
Navin R. Johnson: I'm not? You mean I'm gonna STAY this color?


funniest line in the entire film

Thunderbirds Aren't Slow

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"wow this guy sounds like a real shmuck" 5 minuits later steve is like "We have defective cans, sombody hates theese cans. we dotn have defective cans we have a defective person hes trying ot kill you, dont worry ill save you" and he runs away.

thats all i remember from this movie

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OK, as long as we got a voucher!

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i need this...

the ash tray, the book of matches, this lamp, this chair...

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"Sir, you are talking to a n*****!" And then he attacks the mobsters with karate.

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i'm going to buy you a diamond so big you're gonna puke!
I don't wanna puke!

probably my favorite line.

close runner up is before the slitted sheet line


You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead.

then again. this is just one of those movies that is quotable from beginning to end.

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I always love hearing Carl Reiner say "Cut!" five seconds after the car in his film has blown through the barricade and is being launched over a cliff.

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The letter to the fam about his new "job".

PCL

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Actually, the line was "I was born a poor black child"

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The Lord loves a working man, don't trust whitey, see a doctor and get rid of it.

Stop... look left... look right...yes! Good teenagers!"
-
Cry Baby

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"Damn these glasses, son!"
"I damn thee."

and

"They sure don't make 'em very well."

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the "all i need" scene where he's taking all the stuff he "needs."

haha

dunno why but it cracks me up every time

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"Suck my toe!!"

NAVIN: "...I'm gonna buy you a diamond so big, it's gonna make you puke!"
MARIE: (sobbing) "I don't wanna puke!"

NAVIN: "Who's the luckiest guy in the world?"
MARIE: "You are!"
NAVIN: "That's right! And who's the luckiest girl?"
$HITHEAD: "ARF!!"
NAVIN: "That's right!"

---
Dignan: "How does an a$$hole like Bob get such a great kitchen?"

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The whole scene where he's lying next to Marie in the bed and talking to her.

Plus: "You're our eighth customer today! You win a free oven mitt!"

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haha

Navin Hi!
Marie What happened?
Navin Oh, it was unbelievable. These guys jumped me, tried to get these flowers. I got them for you. Kind of a traditional date deal.
Marie Yeah, I've heard of that. What were they?
Navin Uh, a couple of dozen roses.
Marie Look like daisy stems.
Navin What?? That guy gipped me! Put daisy stems on my roses! Hey, look, these hoodlums are dangerous. I think we outta get out of here before she sees us...
Marie She?
Navin What?
Marie She.
Navin No, no, I always call a gang 'she'. It's like when you call a boat 'she' or a hurricane 'she'..
Marie Or a girl?
Navin ...or a girl! You can call a girl 'she'... that's just one of the many things you can call a 'she'!

---
Dignan: "How does an a$$hole like Bob get such a great kitchen?"

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Woof

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"Mrs Nussbaum's credit card!"

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i can't believe no-one has mentioned M Emmet Walsh's line...

when he is chasing Navin and Navin jumps over the fence, then M emmet Walsh opens the fence like a gate, and when he catches him and you think hes going to kill him by reaching in to his jacket pocket and producing a gun, he pulls out a slip of paper and says "you have to sign for this"

and the whole scene in the gas-station with "Mrs Nussbuams" credit card.

this movie was hilarious






Watch Your Back, Jack

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"Him!Whats him doing here?"

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Marie-- Don't be so hard on yourself. How could you know that was Iron Balls McGinty?

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NAVIN TO WAITER: No more of this OLD stuff, bring us some FRESH wine - the freshest you've got! And bring us those melted cheese sandwich appetizers you talked me out of!
____________________

MARIE TO NAVIN: I don't care about losing all the money, I just don't wanna lose all the stuuuuff.....
____________________

IRVING'S WIFE IN DEPARTMENT STORE:
What are you doing to my husband, you Miss Blondie! Irving! Irving!
____________________

NAVIN: Two hundred and fifty dollareenies.

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Stan Fox: Damn these glasses
Navin: Yes sir
(to the glasses): I damn thee!

Mother: Navin, it's your birthday, and it's time you knew. You're not our natural-born child.
Navin: I'm not? You mean I'm gonna STAY this color?

"Somebody hates these cans!"

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Crusty, old Asian guy: Don't call that dog 'lifesaver'. Call him 'sh!thead'!

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I SLIT THE SHEET,
THE SHEET I SLIT,
AND ON THE SLITTED SHEET, I SIT.

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M. Emmett Walsh's rifle toting madman: DIE, MILK FACE!

Mr. Hartounian: Those cans aren't defective! We have a defective person up there!

[Navin waves cash at dubious Latinos]
Navin: You wave this stuff around and people will kill you for it!

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It is him! What is him doing here!?!?

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I still use the bit where he's in the bank and doesn't realise that his cheque is for more than he thought.

"Yep, 250 doughnuts.....in a bag"

Or words to that effect.






"Please you must forgive me, I am old but still a child."

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I love it when he's leaving the mansion, and he's collecting all the stuff he needs.

"That's all I need, the ashtray, the remote, the paddle game, the matches and the lamp, that's all I need. I don't need anything el- I need this!" *Picks up a chair*


But the whole movie is hilarious. I also love "HE HATES THESE CANS!!!"

"Yes, but do they have a flag?" - Eddie Izzard

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I'm suprised nobody has mentioned Mrs. Johnson's reply after Navin says "You mean I'm gonna stay this color?" She says "Son, I'd love you even if you were the color of a baboon's ass."

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Carl Reiner:- He sold a product without even testing it, on prisoners!

Mad Gunman:- You random son of a bitch!

'BACK OFF! This yoghurt has bits in it!'

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The Mexican in the back of the Mr Nussbaums car.

Navin-What kind of cigarette is that

Mexican-a joint, you want some?

Navin-No thanks i dont smoke.Hey, They dont make em very well!!

Had me in stitches!!
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