Screenwriters : First Scene of my Script - Rate it?

First Scene of my Script - Rate it?

FADE IN

EXT. Tropical Island Mountain Path – Day



MARCUS, late teens, athletic and handsome, hand-in-hand with girlfriend JULIE, late teens, beautiful, her long hair blowing behind her in the fierce wind. They are walking up a narrow mountain path on the edge of a cliff. The clear-blue sky is the only thing besides the mountain that can be seen.

Off in the distance, LOUD PARTY MUSIC is barely audible.

Marcus enjoys the walk, looks around at the scenery, but Julie is nervous, her eyesight is on the path in front of her.

JULIE
(nervous)
Maybe we should go back, Marcus.

Marcus laughs.

MARCUS
Why would you want to do that, Julie? It is great up here! Breathe the air in. We donÂ’t get air this fresh back in New York . We never will.

Marcus inhales the air deeply, and then exhales.

JULIE
IÂ’m serious, Marcus. IÂ’m scared.

MARCUS
You canÂ’t tell me you are afraid of heights!

JULIE
I told you that back at the beach! Were you even listening to me?

MARCUS
Guess not. Come on. I think there is a cave at the end of this path.

Marcus lets go of JulieÂ’s hand and walks up the path.
JULIE
No, I really want to go back.

Marcus ignores Julie and continues to walk.

JULIE
(yells)
Marcus!

Marcus stops and turns around. He looks at Julie, who has her hands on her hips.

MARCUS
(Annoyed sigh)
I just want to see the cave. If you want to go back to the beach, then go ahead.

JULIE
IÂ’m not going back without you!
(Annoyed Groan)
Fine! I will go with you. But we better not be up there for very long.

Julie walks up to Marcus.

JULIE
I hate you sometimes.

MARCUS
I know you do. Come on.

Marcus takes JulieÂ’s hand and they continue up the path.


EXT. Cave Exterior. End of Path – DAY

The path widens out into a large flat surface against the mountainside. A large hole, the CAVE, is carved out in the mountainside. Nothing but darkness can be seen in the CAVE from here.

Marcus and Julie arrive at the end of the path. The fierce wind has died down into a calm breeze.


MARCUS
See, I told you there was a cave up here.

JULIE
Great. Can we go now?

Marcus waves a dismissive hand and walks toward the CAVE.

MARCUS
YouÂ’re such a killjoy, Julie. Look at this place. ItÂ’s wonderful!

Julie walks near the edge of the cliff and looks over. At the bottom of the mountain is a large forest. At the edge of the forest is a line of buildings. There is one tall building, the HOTEL, that towers over the other small buildings. A paved road separates the buildings and the white sandy beach. Clear-blue sea can be seen for miles beyond that. Numerous people can barely be seen moving around on the beach and in the water.

JULIE
It is beautiful. IsnÂ’t it, Marcus?

Julie turns around. Marcus is nowhere to be seen.

JULIE
(panicked)
Marcus?

No answer. Julie walks hurriedly toward the cave. All she can see in the cave is darkness. She looks at the path, but canÂ’t see anything.

JULIE
(panicked)
Marcus! Where are you? This isnÂ’t funny! Mar--

MARCUS (O.S.)
What?

Julie turns around to the direction of the CAVE. Marcus is standing outside of it.


JULIE
Marcus! You idiot! You scared me!

MARCUS
IÂ’m sorry. I wanted to see if there was anything in the cave. You have to see this. ItÂ’s great!

Julie looks at the CAVE. She shakes her head and crosses her arms against her chest.

JULIE
No. No way. I am NOT going in there, Marcus.

MARCUS
It isnÂ’t dangerous or scary or anything like that. ItÂ’s actually pretty cool.
(begging voice)
Come on. Please?

Julie looks at the CAVE again, then looks at Marcus.

JULIE
(sighs)
Damn you.

MARCUS
YouÂ’ll come in?

JULIE
Yes. But only for a minute. Then we are leaving.

MARCUS
Yeah, of course.

Julie inhales and exhales then walks over to Marcus. They walk into the CAVE and disappear into the darkness.

INT – CAVE INTERIOR - DAY


Marcus and Julie can barely be seen in the darkness of the CAVE.

JULIE
Marcus, I canÂ’t see anything.

MARCUS
I can fix that.

Marcus takes a LIGHTER from the pocket of his shorts. He pushes the button down and a small flame flickers from it.

MARCUS
(laughs)
And you said nothing good can come from smoking.

Julie looks around. The floor of the CAVE is very rocky and damp. Long stalactites hang from the ceiling.

JULIE
Okay, what do you want to show me? I donÂ’t want to be in here very long. ItÂ’s creepy.

MARCUS
I found something. It is just over here. Come on.

Marcus, with Julie right behind him, walks farther into the cave.

INT. DEEPER CAVE INTERIOR – DAY

Only Marcus and Julie can be seen in the light of the flame.

MARCUS
Careful. It is right over here.

Marcus shines the light from the flame toward the ground. A small nest, made up of twigs and branches, is on the floor. Four grey eggs, as large as an adult human head, are in the nest.

MARCUS
TheyÂ’re cool, arenÂ’t they.

JULIE
TheyÂ’reÂ… big.

MARCUS
Yeah. I know. I mean, when was the last time youÂ’ve seen eggs this big? They arenÂ’t your normal eggs.

MARCUS leans toward the nest.

JULIE
(slightly panicked)
I think we should go, Marcus. What if the mother of these eggs come back? I mean, like you said, the eggs are big. Which means, the mother is going to be pretty big too. Right?

MARCUS
Relax, Julie. It is probably just a large bir--

As soon as Marcus finishes, a LOUD SCREECH is heard deep in the CAVE. Marcus and Julie look toward the direction of the sound.

JULIE
(panicked)
Marcus, I think we need to go. I donÂ’t want to find out what made that noise.

Marcus stands up.

MARCUS
Stay here.

JULIE
What?

MARCUS
Stay. Here.

JULIE
Marcus, no! We need to leave!

MARCUS
I will be right back. I just want to take a look. Here, take my lighter. I will be fine.

Before Julie can say another word, Marcus shoves the lighter into JulieÂ’s hand. He walks farther into the cave. Julie turns the lighter back on and shines the flame around.

JULIE
(panicked)
Marcus? Damnit, Marcus! Come back!

No answer. Julie takes another step. Suddenly a LOUD SCREAM is heard, followed by a LOUD SCREECH.

JULIE
(panicked yelling)
Marcus!

Julie begins to cry as she walks farther into the cave. She shines the flame around.

JULIE
(sobbing)
Marcus?

Julie walks a couple more steps and the light shines onto something on the ground. A human hand.

JULIE
(sobbing)
Marcus? Is that you?

The light moves over the HAND, but there is nothing attached to the HAND. RED BLOOD shines around the hand. JULIEÂ’S eyes go wide and she screams. A SCREECH is heard close by. Suddenly, a LARGE BROWN BEAK enters the light. The lighter drops to the ground with a tick and everything becomes dark. Julie screams. The screams die out and the SCREECHES resume followed by flapping of numerous brown-colored wings.

Fade to BLACK


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Used to be gta_fury

Re: First Scene of my Script - Rate it?

Honestly, it was a fun read. It is your story, you can do whatever you want to it. I'll give you some suggestions, you don't have to take them but it's what I would do.

-Her fear of heights. She seemed fine in the very first paragraph. I would add something when you have the first chance about how uneasy she feels to let you know the situation right off the bat. Maybe something simple, like add the 3rd paragraph where it mentions this as the second sentence in the first paragraph. I think it would flow better.

-Marcus seems like a total prick or he's determined. Either way, I think you should clarify this.
-The cave. How would he know there was a cave up here? The way the story flows it sounds as if this whole scene is a practical joke on Julie. I don't know what direction this is headed, but if its not a joke you should take out the part where he assumes there is a cave ontop of a mountain.
-Emotions. I think you can clear most of what I talked about if you can convey this before you add dialog. I'll give you an example:



Here is what you've written.


MARCUS
Relax, Julie. It is probably just a large bir--

As soon as Marcus finishes, a LOUD SCREECH is heard deep in the CAVE. Marcus and Julie look toward the direction of the sound.

JULIE
(panicked)
Marcus, I think we need to go. I donÂ’t want to find out what made that noise.

I would change to:


Marcus doesn't break his connection with the eggs. His new fascination is broken and he becomes frusterated by Julies nagging.

MARCUS
(turns to JULIE) Relax, Julie. It's probably just a large bir-

Marcus is interupted by a LOUD SCREECH deep within the CAVE. Marcus and Julie turn their attention towards the direction of the sound and a rush of panic sweeps their faces.

JULIE
(grabs Marcus's arm)
Marcus, I think we need to go! I don't want to find out what made that noise.



Anyway, just a few suggestions. I just think that if you don't tell the actors what to feel, you are giving them too much liberty. This is your story. They should feel how you want them to feel.

I can't wait to hear what the next scene is.




Re: First Scene of my Script - Rate it?

Hey, I like the help. I agree with a lot of what you said. That was basically the prologue of the story. Just to introduce the threat. That is the last we see of those two characters.

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Used to be gta_fury

Re: First Scene of my Script - Rate it?

ok good start!

=)

i have another suggestion, but again, its entirely up to you. To add suspense, you could leave out that he knows about the cave ahead of time. I kind of had the feeling that they were college students who were on vacation, sort of a spring break kind of thing and they wondered off and happened upon the cave.

If you have any more I'd be happy to read!

Now I will kill you until you die from it..

Re: First Scene of my Script - Rate it?

I've seen this happen so many times in movies, you know: two people, one apprehensive the other cocky going some place dangerous only for one or both of them to be killed. And I'll be honest, the premise no longer excites me.

My advice is this: first make the character/s who die/s extremely likable. If you have a monster who kills some dick who was pressuring some girl into doing things she didn't want to do they just won't care about it. If you kill off a nice guy who did everything right they will be horrified at what happend and they will hate this monster you've created (which is what I'd want if I were you). I'd also make the circumstances a bit less phony. I thought the whole idea of him not being bothered by the giant eggs(which would freak me out) was unbelievable. I'd have him and the girl discover them in front of us, give them a moment for it to sink in and then bam! They are ripped to shreds. And don't be so nice on to these guys either. So many movies go for the one slash and they're dead routine. Have these guys be torn to shreds but slowly, have the life ripped out of them blow by blow like you'd see a lion do to a gazzelle on those Discovery channel shows. Create a struggle but a clearly futile one. I think more shocking then sudden horror based on quick, fleeting images and sharp, fast sounds is graphic horror. And I don't mean graphic in how the "Saw" movies are graphic, that is excess and it becomes lame after awhile. If you've ever seen High Tension I think it makes very good use of disturbing, graphic imagery. The movie itself could be better but the graphic imagery is what sticks with me.

Then you're going to have a lot of questions to answer about this creature. Don't cop out! Think of something plausible yet surprising, don't do the routine: oh, it was a dinosaur whose species solely lived in a single cave for thousands of years and somehow survived extinction or the even worse an egg survived for millions of years only to hatch in modern times. Aliens, genetic experiments, a combination of the two, a mutation... these are all things I expect but if you put a twist on it it could very well work.

Just my thoughts. Hope you can take something from them and apply it.

Re: First Scene of my Script - Rate it?

Well, I don't exactly know if this is the moment I want to completely introduce the monsters. Even though they are part of the title of the movie. That is why I only had parts of them seen in the shadows.

But yeah, thanks for the feedback and I will think about all of this. All of this will be something I will think of for the post rough-draft editing of the script.

Thanks all!

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Used to be gta_fury

Re: First Scene of my Script - Rate it?

sorry bud, i didn't like it at all. unless it's supposed to be a funny horror movie type thing, like Planet Terror. otherwise, it was pretty brutal.
first off, you know 10 seconds into reading it that these two characters are doomed. there's no suspense when they go through all the normal motions of Stupid Horror Movie Characters - they wander off when they shouldn't, they explore dark places when they shouldn't, they split up when they shouldn't. it's completely predictable. now, horror movies themselves are almost impossible to write in an original way, i understand that. but this prologue felt almost like you were spoofing these kinds of scenes in movies, because it played into the cliches and conventions so powerfully. so again, if this is a comedy, then good job.
the dialogue is another problem. they talk a little too much, and too inanely (i think that's a word). plus, they'll often say things like "No, I'm not doing that. Well, Ok, I guess I will". that's a problem.
overall dude, i mean, i hate being such an ass about this kind of thing. but i honestly believe the harshest criticism for aspiring writers is the best. so i'm sorry for sounding mean, but this script needs a lot of work. a total rewrite, actually, would be best.
cheers
KZ
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