Screenwriters : A part of my amateur horror script.

A part of my amateur horror script.

So, basically I have been working on a re-write of a screenplay for the cult classic 'Black Christmas' by making it my own. I am going to give you an excample of what I've done (opening sequence) which I find a bit rushed and has a feel to 'Halloween' (1978). So all I want is your opinion. Thank you.

NOTE: My language is not English since I do not live there. If you find any mayor grammar mistakes then just ignore it, or please do tell me what to fix. Thanks)

FADE IN:

EXT. - THE LENZ RESIDENT - NIGHT.

ItÂ’s December 25th 1991. The snow is blowing and the wind is howling.

A big house is lightened up with Christmas decorations and plastic Santa Clauses. An old family car is in the driveway, covered in snow. The front yard is covered in snow.

ZOOM IN:

INT. - LIVING ROOM

A woman named CAROL LENZ (35) is sitting in a rocking chair while drinking a glass of red wine. She is watching her children, BILLY LENZ (12) and AGNES LENZ (7), while they open up their presents.

Agnes RIPS the colorful paper revealing a beautiful doll.

AGNES
Mommy, this is just what I wanted! I love
you, mommy.

CAROL
Why donÂ’t you thank Santa, Agnes? He was
the one who gave it to you.

AGNES
But mommy, Santa isnÂ’t real.

Carol is slightly SPEECHLESS.

CAROL
Who told you that?

Carol notices Billy standing up. He is ready to leave the living room.

AGNES
I promised not to tell you because he
told me youÂ’d be angry at him.

CAROL
Oh, so it’s a ‘he’.

Billy walks towards the big doorway as Carol WATCHES.

Aagnes looks at Billy who is in the big doorway.

AGNES
Maybe.

BILLY STOPS. He turns around and looks angrily at Agnes. He RAISES his voice.

BILLY
Great job, Agnes! Now IÂ’m in deep
*beep*

Carol RAISES her voice, STANDS up from the rocking chair.

CAROL
Billy! What the hell is wrong with you?
Why on earth did youÂ…

Carol PAUSES, looks at AGNES who is now looking at her.

CAROL
Sweetie, would you go upstairs for a
while. I need to talk to your brother.

AGNES
Why?

CAROL
Could you just go!

Carol slightly PAUSES, takes a deep breath.

CAROL
Please.

Agnes stands up and STORMS out of the living room. She heads towards theÂ…

INT. - STAIRCASE

Agnes runs up the staircase.

INT - UPSTAIRS HALLWAY

Agnes runs down the hallway and enters her bedroom.

INT. - LIVING ROOM

Carol looks at Billy and she is angry.

Billy ignores her. He walks towards the Christmas tree and grabs ANOTHER present.

Carol stands up and RUSHES towards Billy.

CAROL
What the hell is wrong with you Billy
Lenz? You couldÂ’ve waited at least until
she turned ten or eleven years old!

BILLY
WhatÂ’s the big deal, mom? ItÂ’s only Santa
Claus. HeÂ’s just a made believe like the
Tooth fairy and God.

Carol RAISES her voice yet againÂ…SHOUTING at Billy.

CAROL
Billy! You go to your room right now!

Billy CONTINUES opening his present.

CAROL
(shouting)
Now!

BILLY
(loud)
Fine!

Billy stands up and STORMS out of the living room, ANGRY look in his face.

Carol watches him as he walks upstairs.

CAROL
(yells at Billy)
And you get back down here when youÂ’re
ready to apologize to me and your sister.

INT. - UPSTAIRS HALLWAY

Billy walks down the hallway towards his bedroom.

INT. - BILLYÂ’S ROOM

BILLY
(under his breath)
Stupid *beep*

Billy STARES out the window. He thinks of something. He notices the family next door opening their presents, laughing and having a GOOD time.

Billy closes his eyes. He OPENS them after a few seconds and STANDS up.

He walks towards the door and opens the door.

Billy walks towards the staircase and the banister.

INT. - KITCHEN

Carol takes her HOT cookies out of the baking oven. She places them over the sink and takes of the THICK glove. Then she remembers her negligee being dry by now.

She walks through the adjoining laundry room and SCANS the area.

INT. - STAIRCASE

Billy CREEPS downstairs. He doesnÂ’t make a sound.

INT. - LAUNDRY ROOM

CAROL
*beep* Where is that darn robe?

Carol SEARCHES for her negligee.

In background we see Billy in the kitchen doorway. He steps inside.

Carol finds her negligee and starts taking her blouse and pants off.

CAROL
There you are.

INT. - KITCHEN

Billy OPENS a drawer and takes out a LARGE kitchen knife. He hears Carol coming and QUICKLY hides in a DARK corner.

Carol steps inside the kitchen in her WHITE negligee. She looks at her cookies and smiles.

She picks one up to TASTE it. Carol puts the cookie into her mouth and bites. She chews the cookie. She lets out a moan.

INT. - AGNESÂ’S ROOM

Agnes has tears in her eyes. She knows that her brother is angry at her.

Suddenly she feels THIRSTY.

Agnes quietly exits her room.

INT. - HALLWAY

Agnes walks down the hallway, heading downstairs.

Darkness is around her.

INT. - KITCHEN

Billy CREEPS behind CAROL as she is still chewing on the cookie. He RAISES the knife in the thin air.

Billy SLAMS the knife down her back. The knife CUTS her negligee, drawing blood.

Carol screams. She then turns around after almost falling to the floor. She is shocked.

CAROL
Billy?

Billy holds the BLOODY knife and STARES into CarolÂ’s FRIGHTENED eyes.

He then RAISES the knife and SLAMS the knife into CarolÂ’s chest.

Carol SCREAMS in pain as Billy PULLS the knife out. Blood is POURING out of her chest and pours down her white negligee. She is CRYING by now and STUMBLES backwards.

INT. - DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY

Agnes hears her mother SCREAM. She RUSHES to the kitchen doorway.

INT. - KITCHEN

Billy PUSHES Carol to the sink. She FALLS back and HITS her head on the hot plate with the cookies on.

The plate comes FLYING down on Carol as she is lying on the floor, blood around her. The cookies drop to the floor and the plate FALLS on CarolÂ’s face. ItÂ’s STEAMING hot and Carol SCREAMS in HORROR.

Billy makes his move and STEPS on the plate. It pushes against CarolÂ’s face.

INT. - DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY

Agnes WATCHES Billy TORTURE their mother. She canÂ’t say a word and she takes three steps back.

Agnes RUNS towards the staircase.

INT. - KITCHEN

Carol SCREAMS in pain. She soon STOPS moving.

Billy KICKS the plate off her face.

CarolÂ’s face is burned and her bare flesh is EXPOSED. Her cheeks are BLOODY and BRUISED. Her nose is almost MELTED and her forehead is showing its flesh... Carol Lenz is DEAD.

Billy DROPS the knife and SLOWLY walks away from CarolÂ’s body.

INT. - FOYER

The front door suddenly opens. Snow pours inside.

A good looking man steps inside. He is covered in snow. His name is STUART LENZ (39).

STUART
(loud)
Honey! IÂ’m home!

DEAD silence is all around the him.

He walks towards the living room but sees NOTHING except the nice tree and Christmas presents.

Stuart walks pass the living room doorway and heads towards the kitchen.

INT. - KITCHEN

Stuart ENTERS the kitchen to find his wifeÂ’s LIFELESS body lying on the floor. He notices CarolÂ’s face. Stuart GRABS his mouth. His eyes start FILLING up with tears.

Stuart SLOWLY approaches CarolÂ’s body. He gets down on his knees and grabs her BLOODY arm. He starts SHAKING it.

STUART
Carol? Carol, honey!? Carol, wake up!
Please Carol, wake up! What...happened?

Stuart CRIES and puts his hands on CarolÂ’s face. Her face is WARM. Stuart cries more.

From behind him is Billy, SCISSORS in his right hand. He RAISES the scissors and BRINGS them down onto StuartÂ’s back.

Stuart GROANS and FALLS to the floor next to CarolÂ’s body, scissors still in his back. His eyes WIDEN as he sees Billy in front of him with the BLOODY knife.

Billy violently KICKS his face. Then he grabs another smaller knife on the counter and STABS Stuart in the side.

STUART
(screaming)
BILLY! NO!

Billy STABS him again and again. He STABS him THREE times more.

Stuart STOPS moving and blood STREAMS out of his wounds. He dies with his eyes and mouth OPEN.

Billy starts breathing HEAVILY and watches his father die.

EXT. - OUTSIDE

Billy walks down the porch with BLOODY hands. Blood drips onto the snow by every step he makes. His face is PALE. He keeps on walking.

INT. - AGNESÂ’S ROOM

Agnes WATCHES Billy outside through the window. She is CRYING and COVERING her mouth.

EXT. - THE LENZ RESIDENT

Snow pours down on the ground. ItÂ’s still VERY dark.

A couple walks pass the Lenz resident.

SCREAMS echo from inside the house.

The couple jump and look at each other. They look at the house and hear another scream.

EXT. - OUTSIDE

Billy walks to the street and walks down the street.

FADE OUT:

ON AGNESÂ’S SCREAMS

BEGIN TITLES

...I hope you liked it.


It's not who you go with, honey. It's who takes you home.
Wendy Richards, Prom Night (1980)

Re: A part of my amateur horror script.

I like the way you wrote it but I never really liked the idea of a kid killing people, or being able to for that matter. And what were Billy's motives exactly?
Oh and: "her melted nose" ? :P

Oh 12 vacancies...12 cabins, 12 vacancies....
(1960)


Re: A part of my amateur horror script.

Heres some technical stuff.


You need to fix your tenses

"The front yard is covered in snow"
Needs to be in present tense for a screenplay. So it looks something like this...

"Snow covers the front yard"

You should keep this in mind when reading over your script.

You have waaaay to man words capitalized. Technically, you should only capitalized the first time we see a character's name and the names in speech. You can capitalized some words, such as an action, but not "THICK" glove. You can capitalize something like this, "Carol pulls the over door open, noticing the burnt cookies. She SLAMS the door closed."

Watch out when describing action like this. SHOW US, dont tell us she's thirsty. Ask yourself, What do people do when they are thirsty? Write that, dont just right she feel thirsty.

"Suddenly she feels THIRSTY."

could be..

"She licks her dry mouth, and finds that the glass of water on her night stand is empty."
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