Red Dwarf : Create a Red Dwarf Joke

Create a Red Dwarf Joke

Lister: Rimmers girlfriends always Leave him. He's been dropped more times than a pair of knickers in an Essex pub carpark.

Re: Create a Red Dwarf Joke

Lister: "You always make out that I'm a philistine. I went to art college. I know culture."
Rimmer: "Culture? The only culture you've ever seen's in the bottom of a friendly bacteria double whipped cream yoghurt".

Re: Create a Red Dwarf Joke

Rimmer; "Patton said men of true leadership will inevitably rise to the top"

Lister; "Yeah, they're not the only thing which floats on the top!"

Re: Create a Red Dwarf Joke

I like this thread.

(After the crew arrive in Viking times)

Kryten: You have got to remember sir's, we are in a time and place where the major pastimes are battling, pillaging and fornicating.

Lister: Sounds like where I grew up.

(Audience laughs)

Girls just wanna have fun...

Re: Create a Red Dwarf Joke

Rimmer: Lister hasn't had a bath in weeks. He's starting to smell like a Turkish wrestler's arm pit hair as he treks across the desert... naked... in July.

Re: Create a Red Dwarf Joke

Kryten; "You consider me unattractive?"

Rimmer; "Kryten your face is to handsome what Las Vegas is to clean living!"

Re: Create a Red Dwarf Joke

Cat: What you doing bud?

Lister: Just thinking about an ex-girlfriend called morgue.

Cat: Morgue? Strange name; why was she called morgue.

Lister: Cos every guy she met would end up stiff.

Re: Create a Red Dwarf Joke

Good one Painbow. I'd have added in just a little bit by having Cat say 'Morgue? Strange name. Don't you mean Morgan?' Lister: ’ No - Morgue ._' then your punchline.

Re: Create a Red Dwarf Joke

Yeah, that is better.

Maybe the next series should be written by us. Painbow & Picnic productions.

Re: Create a Red Dwarf Joke

Just thought about it and my suggestion of an extra line about 'Morgan' ruins the flow and dilutes the punchline. Sometimes covering all bases in a joke overcomplicates.

Re: Create a Red Dwarf Joke

*Cat reading an Aristotle quote*

'True Wisdom exists in knowing that you know nothing' 'Hey hey! With the amount of nothing I know that makes me the wisest guy whose ever lived!'

Re: Create a Red Dwarf Joke

Rimmer: Cat, I don't know if you've heard but I've got something of a hot date tonight with the resurrected clone 'Charlie'.

Cat: Charlie? I didn't know you swung that way, bud. (nb I know possibly Cat would never be known to call Rimmer 'bud' but I'm thinking that he could feel some mild sympathy that Rimmer had got a date).

Rimmer: No you zoot-suited crouton. ‘Charlie' is a woman. Kryten's had the pod psiscanned and she's fully 'mammaried' up and possessive of all the other womanly bits like a fully functioning dongle attachment.

Cat runs his hand over the pod, as if to try to sense what's inside it.: A fully WHAT?

Rimmer: A dongle. She's fully wifi compatible. Her model's actually old hat now but the closest we'll get to an upgrade in deepest space.

Cat: She's a model?

Rimmer: She's human. She was one of the volunteers for a pioneering new sex education programme in the 23rd century. It was designed for space truckers away from home for more than 48 hours. He and his wife would both be separately fitted with the very latest in complementary interstellar relationship unifying technology.

Cat looking at briefcase that he's found in a partition of the unopened pod:
"Orgasmatron?" He's already holding a device that looks like a woman's reproductive tubes in one hand which contract and a device that looks like an unfeasibly jelly-like bouncing lava lamp shaped device in the other.

Rimmer: You make it sound seedy. They were designed by the pillars in their field to maintain long distance apparatus based electronic lovemaking. Just one electronic signal away from long distance partner pleasure. And these examples are nearly three million years old. They're of enormous historical and practical importance. Yet there's hardly a bit of dust on them.

Cat, who was only holding the reproductive tubes at this stage, drops it in disgust.

Cat: You are sick.

Lister and Kryten enter and Lister picks up what Cat dropped.

Rimmer: It's human nature, Cat. You wouldn't know- the person you're most in love with is yourself. But, to humans of the 23rd century, a quick burst of sexual healing was all that was needed to 'get it on'. Something mankind appears to have lost in the subsequent decades.

Lister: How would you know? You didn't have it in the previous decades.

Rimmer: Lister, a warrior doesn't have to have been up the Khyber Pass to feel the bristle of a forward surge hot on his tribesmen.

Lister: OK, ok, Buck Rogers. What if she doesn't like you?'

Rimmer: Impossible.

Lister: Impossible?

Kryten: I'm afraid so, sir. Mr Rimmer managed to get access clearance to spare head 3 who then reprogrammed the unsuspecting clone that now lays before us. She is now literally programmed to only find Mr Rimmer desirable. HIGHLY desirable.

Rimmer caresses the pod: 'You make me feel.. you make me feel.. you make me feel like a natural woman'.

Kryten: 'I think it's fair to say you make even me feel like throwing up in to the nearest pot plant, sir'.